Yes, its the game you've all been waiting for, Swansea vs St Gallen, a team from Switzerland, in the Europa League. Prepare for some in-depth match analysis.
2 mins - Nothing happening so far. People chucking flares about.
3 mins - Michu shoots for Swansea. Saved.
4 mins - Swansea corner. Michu heads over. Whenever a commentator shouts his name, I feel like saying "Gesundheit!"
6 mins - Michu almost gets through. Already bored of typing his name.
7 mins - Swiss fans chanting in Swiss, I think.
8 mins - Michu misses from a tight angle. SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A SHOT!
9 mins - St Gallen have a corner. They fuck it.
10 mins - Swansea's other striker Bony is just caught offside. Its pronounced "bonny".
11 mins - A St Gallen player blazes a shot over. You don't care what his name is...
12 mins - Another St Gallen player fires over. Inaccuracy is rife.
13 mins - Swiss fans still giving it Swiss...St Gallen win a penalty! Tiendalli with a casual handball.
14 mins - Shocking pen, the keeper easily saves it. St Gallen will be rolling in his grave - I assume he existed and is now dead.
14 mins - Michu shoots wide...again.
16 mins - A St Gallen player shoots wide after being put clean through. Work on your finishing lads, its outrageous.
18 mins - St Gallen win another corner...it turns out to be woeful.
20 mins - Swansea's De Guzman with an utterly shit cross.
20 mins - Tremmel, the Swansea keeper, absolutely clouts a St Gallen player while going for a punch, the same dude that missed the penalty. Bad day at the office.
22 mins - Swansea win a free kick in a promising position - and they almost score! The ball hits the post and pinballs around but is cleared. An exciting moment, huzzah!
24 mins - Swansea with some pressure but Pozuelo has a shot blocked. I'll be honest, I have no idea who Pozuelo is.
26 mins - A St Gallen player shoots wide, shockingly enough. The Swansea fans wanted a penalty shortly before after some dude boots Michu in the face. Claret all over the gaff.
28 mins - St Gallen win another corner, Michu still bleeding. The keeper punches it away, then a St Gallen player does a fucking terrible cross. Absolute lack of tekkers all around in this one.
30 mins - Michu still off the pitch, savage blood loss. Meanwhile on the pitch...nothing is happening.
31 mins - A 4th corner for St Gallen, hopefully this will be a different corner (George Michael). No surprises though, its another bad one.
32 mins - Michu still not back on. He's had to change his shirt twice.
33 mins - ST GALLEN HAVE A SHOT ON TARGET! REJOICE! The keeper makes a mess of it, but gets away with it.
34 mins - After almost 10 minutes, Michu is back on. For some reason he is booked for this. I don't know.
37 mins - Tedium. Apparently Michu wasn't booked after all, a bit like Dennis Stamp #obscuregag
39 mins - A St Gallen player shoots. Guess where it goes.
41 mins - Michu has a shot blocked. Then St Gallen break and win another corner. It is easily dealt with.
44 mins - Crowd amazingly still awake and singing. Bony skews a shot wide.
45 mins - Pozuelo shoots over. Nobody bought their boots to this one. Well they did actually bring them, but...in a metaphorical sense. Or something, whatever.
HALF TIME IS HERE! MERCY IS UPON US!
Michu appears to have a huge glob of Vaseline on his scalp. Second half, hooooooooo!
46 mins - The guy who missed the penalty has been taken off. That can't feel good.
46 mins - Swansea win an early corner. It comes to absolutely fuck all.
48 mins - Apparently the guy taken off was concussed. That is one bad night for the poor sod.
49 mins - Tiendalli also having a bit of a shocker, he massively skee-whiffs a clearance. Is that how you spell it?
51 mins - SWANSEA GOAL! Routledge, who has done nothing so far, pokes it in from about a yard out. 1-0.
53 mins - Regardless, the Swiss fans continue to chant, presumably about skiing and neutrality.
54 mins - Yet another corner for the Swiss team. And yes, it goes nowhere.
56 mins - Michu almost gets in but is well tackled. Corner for Swansea now, it leads to a shot straight at the goalie.
59 mins - Sweet fanny all going on now.
60 mins - Some St Gallen dude has a wild shot that goes over. For Swansea, Nathan Dyer is on for Routledge, who only did one thing in this match.
63 mins - Swansea have a free kick. De Guzman swings it in, and its cleared for a corner. I'd like one decent corner tonight. This one leads to defender Chico trying an overhead kick and resembling a bell-end in doing so.
64 mins - St Gallen have a player called Roberto Rodriguez. He's one of my favourite directors.
65 mins - St Gallen nearly score out of nowhere. But they don't.
68 mins - Another lull. Scratch my balls vigorously.
69 mins - Swansea bring on Vazquez for Bony, in case you cared. I doubt it.
70 mins - Vazquez almost scores instantly, but curls one just wide. I know fuck all about Vazquez either, sorry. I think he's Mexican or Spanish or something weird.
72 mins - Michu changes his shirt again. The physio applies more lube to his scalp. Kinky.
75 mins - Now a St Gallen player tries an overhead kick and wanks it up.
76 mins - Ben Davies booked for Swansea. St Gallen with a promising set piece...straight at the keeper. My word.
77 mins - Bit of aggro between some players now. Dyer booked for Swansea, as well as the St Gallen player who fouled him. Maybe a vicious punch-up will salvage this.
78 mins - Dyer nearly scores with a volley, it is well saved. This is more like it.
80 mins - Few more blocked efforts from Swansea. Speaking of blocked, I really need a shit.
80 mins - Out of sheer liquid nothingness, St Gallen hit the post! One of their players with a rasping drive from distance. This is much better.
82 mins - Jonjo "Wildcard" Shelvey on for Pozuelo.
84 mins - A St Gallen player with one of the worst attempts at a long ball ever. Regression, it was okay for a couple of minutes there.
86 mins - The Swiss fans still want it, bless 'em. Not much going on.
88 mins - St Gallen come very close to scoring, some sloppy play from Swansea there. Swansea veteran Leon Britton has cramp, because he's well old. They even bring on a stretcher for him, that's how ancient this bastard is.
90 mins - Into injury time. St Gallen pressure has ended.
90 mins - Some random old bint is in the crowd. Must be Leon Britton's wife.
90 mins - A St Gallen player falls over in the rain. On that note, the final whistle goes. Swansea win 1-0, and I question how I spend my time.
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