I've started hearing Christmas songs already. Aren't people bored of "Fairytale of New York" yet? Don't get me wrong, I used to like it as much as the next person, but after 25 years I just don't want to hear about maggots, bells and drunk tanks anymore.
I also don't want to hear Mariah demanding to have me for Christmas.
I am sick of Noddy telling me to look to the future. I have, and it consists of hearing Slade constantly for 4 months of every year until I die.
I've had enough of Roy Wood's desire to have Christmas everyday, which frankly would leave the economy in an even worse state than it already is.
I don't care if Paul McCartney is having a wonderful Christmas time.
No Cliff, I don't want misteltoe or wine. Christmas isn't just about snogging and getting pissed, you rambunctious old bugger.
Did the Waitresses have any other songs?
No Chrissie, I won't drive 25 miles. I can't drive anyway, and fuck walking that far.
No Shakin' Stevens, tis not the season for love or understanding.
Bono, I wish it was them instead of me quite frankly. Then they would be forced to hear that stupid song every year. By the way, I'm almost certain they do know its Christmas.
Elton, how the hell does someone step into Christmas?
I'm pretty sure the cavalry has stopped by now, Jona.
I physically cannot rock around a Christmas tree.
Dean, don't let it snow, its a massive nuisance.
And I fucking hate The Darkness.
Stupid Christmas songs. You could write one and make an absolute fortune out of it. I might give it a go, I could use the money. Then I'd be sick of hearing myself every year. It'd be worth it. Stay tuned.
Sunday 29 September 2013
Wednesday 25 September 2013
TV show ideas
I had some today during a lull at work.
1. BREAKING BADGER - A spin-off of the classic kids TV series "Bodger & Badger". This show focuses on an older but not so much wiser Badger, whose life spiraled into decadence and eventual depression following the end of the show. He has lost all of his fortune, and discovers he is dying of "lack of lung" disease. In order to make some money to leave his friend Mousey, who stuck by him through all the dark times, he decides to rope in his old friend Simon Bodger, who has spent the last few months hiding from Operation Yewtree and protesting his innocence despite nobody accusing him of paedophilia, to open up a "mash lab", where they would make very hallucinogenic mashed potatoes to sell to various drug cartels in and around the Hull area. Bodger has to keep the mash lab a secret from his long-suffering wife, who we never see in the show but sometimes hear her say "Simon, you fucking reek of spuds, now tend to my needs!". Badger soon gets deep into the seedy mash underworld, until eventually he dies due to lack of lungs, whereby the series would abruptly end.
2. WHERE'S ME JUMPER? - A series based on the classic song by little known early 90s Irish band Sultans of Ping FC. A man goes to a disco and loses his jumper. Hilarity ensues.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-dl9KTYAVk
3. SIX OLD LADIES SIT AROUND A TABLE - Speaks for itself. They don't even have any dialogue, they literally just sit there wasting away.
4. MY BIG FAT GYPSY WIFE - A very intelligent but weak-willed and mild-mannered man marries into a gypsy family all too hastily, and spends the entire series lamenting about it. His wife sits around demanding he lavish her with expensive gifts, while he plots elaborate ways to either kill her, kill himself or kill their 28 illegitimate children.
5. TOP OF THE COPS - A weekly show where police officers take time out of their busy schedule to sing karaoke in front of an audience paid to be there. The show starts with 12 and is whittled down to one lucky winner, who will get the opportunity to perform at the annual Policeman's Ball. Hosted by Fearne Cotton, Reggie Yates, Dermot O'Leary, Ross Kemp, Alesha Dixon, Vernon Kay, Keith Lemon, Phillip Schofield, Anna Ryder Richardson, Ed Tudor-Pole and Steve Lamacq.
6. 30 SECONDS TO LARS - Sort of a live-action version of "Where's Wally", in which the contestant only has half a minute to spot Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich among a very large group of people.
7. THE DEVIL NEXT DOOR - A typical suburban family is shocked to their core when Beelzebub himself moves in next door. However they are even more shocked when it turns out that the Devil is not actually the embodiment of all that is evil, but is in fact a highly regarded chiropractor from Surbiton.
8. SOAP OPERA - A live weekly televised serial in which opera singers perform self-written songs about soap.
1. BREAKING BADGER - A spin-off of the classic kids TV series "Bodger & Badger". This show focuses on an older but not so much wiser Badger, whose life spiraled into decadence and eventual depression following the end of the show. He has lost all of his fortune, and discovers he is dying of "lack of lung" disease. In order to make some money to leave his friend Mousey, who stuck by him through all the dark times, he decides to rope in his old friend Simon Bodger, who has spent the last few months hiding from Operation Yewtree and protesting his innocence despite nobody accusing him of paedophilia, to open up a "mash lab", where they would make very hallucinogenic mashed potatoes to sell to various drug cartels in and around the Hull area. Bodger has to keep the mash lab a secret from his long-suffering wife, who we never see in the show but sometimes hear her say "Simon, you fucking reek of spuds, now tend to my needs!". Badger soon gets deep into the seedy mash underworld, until eventually he dies due to lack of lungs, whereby the series would abruptly end.
2. WHERE'S ME JUMPER? - A series based on the classic song by little known early 90s Irish band Sultans of Ping FC. A man goes to a disco and loses his jumper. Hilarity ensues.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-dl9KTYAVk
3. SIX OLD LADIES SIT AROUND A TABLE - Speaks for itself. They don't even have any dialogue, they literally just sit there wasting away.
4. MY BIG FAT GYPSY WIFE - A very intelligent but weak-willed and mild-mannered man marries into a gypsy family all too hastily, and spends the entire series lamenting about it. His wife sits around demanding he lavish her with expensive gifts, while he plots elaborate ways to either kill her, kill himself or kill their 28 illegitimate children.
5. TOP OF THE COPS - A weekly show where police officers take time out of their busy schedule to sing karaoke in front of an audience paid to be there. The show starts with 12 and is whittled down to one lucky winner, who will get the opportunity to perform at the annual Policeman's Ball. Hosted by Fearne Cotton, Reggie Yates, Dermot O'Leary, Ross Kemp, Alesha Dixon, Vernon Kay, Keith Lemon, Phillip Schofield, Anna Ryder Richardson, Ed Tudor-Pole and Steve Lamacq.
6. 30 SECONDS TO LARS - Sort of a live-action version of "Where's Wally", in which the contestant only has half a minute to spot Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich among a very large group of people.
7. THE DEVIL NEXT DOOR - A typical suburban family is shocked to their core when Beelzebub himself moves in next door. However they are even more shocked when it turns out that the Devil is not actually the embodiment of all that is evil, but is in fact a highly regarded chiropractor from Surbiton.
8. SOAP OPERA - A live weekly televised serial in which opera singers perform self-written songs about soap.
Monday 23 September 2013
Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #6
This week, let's look at a wrestler from the more recent past.
KIZARNY!
In late 2008, the WWE ran a series of introductory vignettes for this bloke. He was a carnival worker who had loads of tattoos and spoke like Snoop Dogg, although it was meant to be carny. Anyway, these vignettes went on for so long that eventually people lost interest. Then he finally turned up, had one match, and promptly fucked off. Kizarny, we hardly knew ye. Or kn-izew ye.
KIZARNY!
In late 2008, the WWE ran a series of introductory vignettes for this bloke. He was a carnival worker who had loads of tattoos and spoke like Snoop Dogg, although it was meant to be carny. Anyway, these vignettes went on for so long that eventually people lost interest. Then he finally turned up, had one match, and promptly fucked off. Kizarny, we hardly knew ye. Or kn-izew ye.
Friday 20 September 2013
Tuesday 17 September 2013
My first big celebrity interview
No doubt you've all seen the above image in recent times, its been all over different forms of media and has pretty much been a major talking point. In case you live under a rock (in which case, how the hell are you reading this), it is in fact former Disney Channel stalwart turned Dolph Lundgren-haircutted hussy Miley Cyrus, nakedly straddling a wrecking ball for her new music video. Now a lot of furore has been made over Miley's controversial antics - its difficult to avoid hearing her name at the moment - but nobody has really taken the time to think about how the wrecking ball feels....
UNTIL NOW! That's right, I've managed to procure an exclusive interview with arguably the most famous wrecking ball in the world, and this is the first time you'll get to read how it has reacted to the whole ordeal.
Hello, wrecking ball. How are things?
Yeah, not too bad considering.
Let's get straight to the nitty-gritty. This is undeniably a big deal. How have you adjusted to the sudden fame this video has afforded you?
Well I can't lie to you, it has been a little strange. One day you're just idly swinging and occasionally demolishing buildings, and the next you see yourself splashed over every news outlet in the world. It still hasn't really sunk in to be honest.
How exactly has your life changed as a result?
Its been difficult for me to just get on with my job unfortunately. All the time I have tourists taking pictures of me, teenagers and young adults climbing onto me and re-creating Miley's poses - strange old men occasionally smell or lick me...I guess it has to come with the territory, but its really affecting my day to day life.
How did you come to be involved with this video?
I had heard through the grapevine that Miss Cyrus had been looking to feature some kind of industrial machinery in her next video, and her people sent out scouts for locations and possible machines that they could use. I remember seeing them snooping around, but never thought twice about it. Then one day out of the blue, Miss Cyrus and her entourage show up, and I got chosen. Nobody even did a test run or anything, she just hopped on and went for it. I was a little concerned, if she had fallen off she was susceptible to a number of bruises or skin grafts, or possibly worse. Thankfully she didn't though, she must've done a lot of straddling beforehand.
Were you aware of the Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana phenomenon?
A little. I'd never seen the TV show or anything, but "Hoedown Throwdown" is an absolute tune.
Is it true there are talks for a biopic of your life to be made?
I've not heard anything. To be frank, that movie would be awful. Its not like I've led a particularly exciting life up to this point.
I guess all the other wrecking balls are jealous of you, eh?
Not really actually. Miley Cyrus is utterly riddled with disease. I wish somebody had given me a heads up.
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. So, what does the future hold for you?
A lot of disinfectant.
Lastly, any words for your ever-expanding fanbase out there?
Never take your work for granted. Also if anyone needs anything demolished, I'm still available.
Thanks.
No worries. Oh shit, here comes another weird old man.
There you have it. A refreshingly honest interview from an object that is forever etched into popular culture. Godspeed, wrecking ball.
Monday 16 September 2013
Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #5
This week, we look to late 90s WCW with this dude:
Yes, its the unforgettable Super Calo. This guy was a Mexican luchador who achieved absolutely no success in WCW at all, but is one of the few wrestlers to wear sunglasses during his matches. He also had a glam rock/Phantom Of The Opera hybrid style mask. Plus, what a nice signature.
Yes, its the unforgettable Super Calo. This guy was a Mexican luchador who achieved absolutely no success in WCW at all, but is one of the few wrestlers to wear sunglasses during his matches. He also had a glam rock/Phantom Of The Opera hybrid style mask. Plus, what a nice signature.
Wednesday 11 September 2013
10 Things I Could've Done Instead Of Watching England vs Ukraine
01. Made a contribution to charity.
02. Played "Crash Bandicoot" 1, 2 & 3.
03. Drafted a strongly worded letter to the council about the number of suspicious vehicles that keep parking up near our flat, but nobody seems to ever get out.
04. Gone for a run, preferably avoiding said suspicious vehicles.
05. Written a series of short stories about a courageous blind detective who is terrible at his job.
06. Paint a wall.
07. Watch the paint dry.
08. Repainted the wall again.
09. Studied the history of Ukraine.
10. Slept.
What an awful match. Roy Hodgson shows about as much passion as someone who's been forced to watch every Shia Lebeouf film in succession. And he still looks like an owl with a cork jammed up its arse.
02. Played "Crash Bandicoot" 1, 2 & 3.
03. Drafted a strongly worded letter to the council about the number of suspicious vehicles that keep parking up near our flat, but nobody seems to ever get out.
04. Gone for a run, preferably avoiding said suspicious vehicles.
05. Written a series of short stories about a courageous blind detective who is terrible at his job.
06. Paint a wall.
07. Watch the paint dry.
08. Repainted the wall again.
09. Studied the history of Ukraine.
10. Slept.
What an awful match. Roy Hodgson shows about as much passion as someone who's been forced to watch every Shia Lebeouf film in succession. And he still looks like an owl with a cork jammed up its arse.
Monday 9 September 2013
Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #4
This week, its TL Hopper.
This bloke was a wrestling plumber. He used a toilet plunger as a weapon. It seems too easy to make a joke about him being "the shits" but...yeah, he really was.
This bloke was a wrestling plumber. He used a toilet plunger as a weapon. It seems too easy to make a joke about him being "the shits" but...yeah, he really was.
Friday 6 September 2013
Joe's Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #3
In order to celebrate the glorious return of my Monday Night RAW, here's possibly the worst wrestling character ever. It was a dude who actually thought he was a rooster, and made puns about not being "half-cocked" and such. Needless to say, he didn't have a very good career.
I Am King Haiku Vol 3
In honour of having been in the flat for a month, here's a haiku about it.
We've been here a month
Time flies when you're having fun
This was a slow month
We've been here a month
Time flies when you're having fun
This was a slow month
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