Monday, 18 November 2013

Random Ass Wrestler #14

Its always fun to go back and reminisce about really random WCW wrestlers. Here's another guy you forgot ever existed:

Its Lash LeRoux! Come on, you don't know this guy? Well basically he was a Cajun wrestler in the cruiserweight division from 1999 to when WCW folded in 2001. After that he made one appearance on TNA's first ever show, and then disappeared from wrestling. He is now a minister/cartoonist. Seriously.

Other notable things about LeRoux was that he had sideburns in the shape of the letter 'L', so his sideburns reminded us of his initials. Also, he was a member of the legendary stable Misfits In Action, in which he was briefly renamed "Corporal Cajun". Also part of this group were Chavo Guerrero as "Lieutenant Loco", The Wall as "Sgt A-Wall", and Hugh Morrus (aka Bill DeMott, one of the trainers on the Tough Enough show) as "General Hugh G. Rection". That's the name they gave him. WCW was shit in 2000.

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Alfie Boe: The singer we trust

I saw an advert on TV today for a guy called Alfie Boe, who appears to be the latest person to basically just do a covers album but in a slightly operatic fashion, which will inevitably sell millions of copies as it is an ideal Xmas gift for middle aged women. If that seems like a sweeping generalisation, that's because it is.

Anyway, while the voiceover man was giving it the usual guff about how good Mr Boe is, he said the following line: "The voice you love, the singer you trust". What? The singer I trust? I, like I imagine a shitload of other people in this country, have never met the man, and thus don't know him on the level where we can trust him. Also, trust him with what? Financial advice? Our deepest secrets? Our lives? I've seen a lot of adverts for a lot of middle of the road singers who seem to primarily do covers of songs anyone over 40 already owns, but I've never been informed of my trust in them before. This "trust" I have in Alfie was previously unbeknownst to me, but apparently we all share in it. So the next time you want to tell someone a big secret, or are seeking confidential advice about anything whatsoever, or if you are in a situation where your life is in danger and you need protecting in some way, go and find Alfie Boe.

Because in Alfie Boe we trust. Apparently.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Random Ass Wrestler #13

Who could it be this week? It could be Who!

Yes, this actually happened. A wrestler called "Who". My guess is the sole purpose of this was so that the commentators could recycle ancient Abbott & Costello routines during his matches -

"Who is in the ring?"
"Yes, Who is in the ring!"
"Yes, Who!"

etc, etc. Otherwise this was fucking dumb and didn't last very long. If you couldn't tell from the picture, Who was actually Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, a Canadian wrestler renowned for having a long goatee and being insane, having to tuck said goatee into a crappy yellow mask.

Who cared? Nobody. Not even Who cared. Also, I can neither confirm nor deny that Horton ever heard him, nor that he came to dinner, nor that he knew too much, nor that he could be king, nor that he's that girl Eve sang about that time. Christ, even I think these are terrible jokes.

Thursday, 7 November 2013

King Haiku #3

I haven't done one of these for ages. Here's one about current Chelsea and almost Tottenham midfielder Willian.

He of the large hair
Is he shit or is he good?
Its so hard to tell

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Random Ass Wrestler #12

Okay, so I had a busy few days and didn't review as many crappy horror movies as I would have liked, but I think just because Halloween is over doesn't mean I can't carry on skewering these bad films, so I promise a few more are on the way soon. I also once again crashed out last night without doing one of these, so here's a special case - a random wrestler that portrayed a few different gimmicks during his career.

Here is a recent picture of the legend that is Barry Darsow.

If you don't recognise the name or the face, here are a few of the characters he played between the early 80s - late 90s.

Krusher Kruschev, an evil Russian:

In the WWF, he was first known as Smash, one half of the legendary tag team Demolition:

After they split, he went on to become The Repo Man, a bad guy who stole things ranging from cars to hats:

Then he left WWF to join WCW. His first gimmick there was as Blacktop Bully, who as far as I could tell was an angry truck driver:

He was fired from WCW for a while, after he bladed (caused himself to bleed) which went against the WCW policy at the time. He did this during a King of the Road match, in which he had a fight against Dustin Rhodes, better known as Goldust, on the back of a moving flatbed truck. It was one of the worst matches ever. Then he was rehired not too long after, and adopted the gimmick of "Mr Hole In One" - a golf enthusiast:

What a mixed bag there. I think he still occasionally wrestles as Demolition Smash, his most popular and enduring gimmick, despite being about 60 years old now. Personally I had a soft spot for the Repo Man, just  because it was so fucking ridiculous, but Darsow made his antics entertaining all the same.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Joe Reviews Random Horror Films He Finds On Netflix #3: SLUGS

So the first two films I reviewed are very recent British horror comedies, so let's change tack a bit. Let's go for some 80s American cheesiness with a film very simply entitled...

SLUGS (1987)

- This is either going to be so bad its awesome or so bad its... just plain bad. How scary can killer slugs possibly be? We see a young couple in a boat fishing, the guy moans that he felt something slimy and then falls into the water. The girl calmly tells him to "cut it out" as he flails about, but then we see the water fill with blood. Yep, that was your opening scene. The title screen reads Slugs: The Movie, in case you thought this was Slugs: The Stage Play, or Slugs: The Musical.

- This films stars nobody I have ever heard of, but this is apparently based on a novel. Bet that's some read. We see a car full of teenagers drive past an old man and yell at him. The old man's dog shows up, and he soon cheers up as he walks into a typically creepy looking house. He starts chugging whiskey and then insults his dog for no reason - we see he has an eviction notice. A vast amount of slugs appear to have entered his home, of course he is blissfully unaware of this. The old men sits down in a chair and is apparently eaten, but we aren't sure because we cut very quickly to...

- A group of people sitting in a booth at a bar. It appears to be a double date, one of the girls wants to dance but nobody else does. One couple leaves as another enters, it turns out this guy is a "county sanitation supervisor", and he explains that he basically crawls around in sewers. The woman that is leaving is a teacher, two of her students are the woman that just walked in's kids. Getting all that? Do you care?

- The departing couple is back at home, she is dressed in a sexy negligee. The husband says the smoothest of lines: "Hey teacher, whaddya say we start our homework?" and they begin making out. Slugs are crawling on their window, but then we cut to another scene. Damn, this film knows how to build that suspense.

- We are at the sheriff's office now. An officer is talking to his wife, and says "I am too busy to come home and kill a few snails", or something to that effect. The smooth guy shows up and goes for a drive with the sheriff, they trade uninteresting banter until they get to the dead old man's house. They knock on the door and then try to look through the windows. They climb in through an open one and notice the old man's corpse, apparently the slugs managed to skin him and are crawling around his skull. They then actually wheel him out in a stretcher. The dog is still alive, you'll be glad to hear, but it turns out the old man also lost his heart, kidneys and liver! Bugger me, these slugs are vicious.

- The smooth guy goes back into the house by himself - textbook. He sees a huge trail of blood on the floor, and goes down into the basement, naturally. The smell is too much so he goes back up the stairs without incident. NEXT SCENE!

- Back in the sheriff's car. The smooth guy is a health inspector as it turns out, and he reckons it was rats what did it. We then see the smooth guy at his office, and he is put onto the phone with a woman who complains about the sewers being blocked up. The smooth guy and the sanitation guy both turn up at the house at the exact same time - the woman is another miserable old hag who complains at them. The sanitation guy goes down into the sewer by himself armed with a torch. He comes across a pipe filled with...stuff I guess, including what appear to be dead fishes. Something almost takes him into the pipe, but he escapes.

- Now we are at a classroom where the teacher lady from earlier is...teaching, duh. Her nickname is the "Wicked Bitch" apparently. The smooth guy is waiting for her when she leaves. But enough of that, let's focus on the schoolkids! They all go to a diner and speculate on what killed the old man - one girl thinks it was a notorious local killer who eats his victims. These kids all have the worst fashion sense ever, jean-jackets all over the gaff. Some other kids talk about going to a Halloween party. NEXT SCENE!

- A random old couple is in their greenhouse. They spot some slug's eggs, and it seems both of them are horrendously bad actors. NEXT SCENE! Literally, that lasted about 30 seconds.

- A cheerleader (we know this because it says "cheerleader" on her varsity jacket) is alone in her house, she puts some lettuce in the sink but it seems the slugs are all over it. The girl watches TV, blissfully unaware.

- Back to the greenhouse! The old man goes back inside, and something bites him on the hand. He grabs some shears in an attempt to kill it, but cuts himself as you would expect, causing him to fall down. His wife is in the house hoovering, blissfully unaware. The old man finds an axe and chops away until his wife finally hears his cries. The old man severs his own hand, but then out of nowhere a fire starts and the greenhouse fucking explodes. What. A. Scene.

- Smooth Guy and Wicked Bitch again. The wife informs him the old couple (who they know by name apparently) are dead. The guy is upset, and says in the most wooden delivery ever "They were nice people, I liked them a lot!", some real emotion there. They spot a trail of slime, and we see some massive slugs now. One of them bites the guy on the finger, so he puts it into a jar. The guy wants to take it to a lab.

- The lettuce girl is asleep now. Someone arrives in their car and honks the horn, waking her up. She chops the lettuce which has a slug inside...then her boyfriend/husband turns up. They trade the most awkward sex chatter ever and then apparently get it on.

- Smooth Guy and Wicked Bitch at the school's lab now. An English scientist called John is just hanging around, and he examines the slug. He says their mucus is like a "slimy carpet" that they travel on, and says the slug has three or four rows of teeth to grind up its food - mainly greens. The smooth guy asks if they ever eat meat, and the doctor says some species of slug do eat tiny worms and insects. The couple then leave the scientist alone. NEXT SCENE!

- Lettuce girl and her fella are still lounging about, he briefly feels a cramp but it passes within about 3 seconds. The girl admits she is a drunken whore but wants to do something about it. The guy suffers another cramp and has a strange taste in his mouth. These two are also shockingly bad at acting.

- Now a scene with the schoolkids again. One of them goes to visit his girlfriend at home and they start making out. He notices they have a lot of liquor and starts to drink it. She says if her old man found out he would "probably have a cow", really dating this film there. They start to have sex on the bar...NEXT SCENE!

- The English scientist is still in the lab. He places a slug into a petri dish and examines it. What the fuck else has he been doing the whole time? We see he has a pet hamster in a cage. One slug crawls into the hamster cage and kills it. The scientist is mildly shaken up.

- Back to the teenage couple, who are full on shagging now. There are slugs all over the toilet and floor, but of course they are blissfully unaware. He starts drinking more whiskey to "recharge his batteries", but a slug bites him on the foot. She then stands on them and is soon devoured. She gets her eyeballs eaten out as the naked dude tries to escape through a window, but it is a futile attempt and he too is killed.

- The guy with the cramps from earlier is still in a bad way. He drinks a glass of water. That's it, NEXT SCENE!

- Smooth Guy arrives at the house where the teen couple were killed, and the sheriff is already there. Smooth Guy has a theory that they are dealing with a mutant form of slug that eats meat. The sheriff is incredulous and says "What's next, rampaging crickets or deadly mosquitos?", both of which I have no doubt have since become actual films. Smooth Guy goes back to his office, and he lambasts his secretary for some reason. Smooth Guy calls the sanitation dude, and apparently half eaten rats, chickens, cats and dogs have been found in the sewers.

- The guy with the cramps is back, and has apparently recovered. He has an important meeting to go to. NEXT SCENE!

- Sanitation dude shows the smooth guy a map, and says there is something down there killing people. He has discovered that in the 50s, the town was a toxic waste dump. NEXT SCENE!

- We are in a fancy restaurant now, cramp guy is having his meeting. He is now really struggling, and excuses himself from the table. His nose starts bleeding, but he wipes off the blood and resumes the meeting. The people he is meeting with agree to work with him on whatever the fuck he is doing, and as he drinks a tumbler of whiskey (the drink of choice in this town clearly) slugs fall out of his mouth. He starts bleeding again and his eyeball bursts as slugs eat his face.

- Sanitation dude and the smooth guy say poisonous gases may have escaped from the toxic wastage. The Smooth Guy gets a call from his secretary. He is summoned to the fancy restaurant where the cramp guy is also being stretchered out. The restaurant owner and the chef deny having worms, which the sheriff accuses them of.

- Back at the lab, smooth guy and sanitation guy are there, and they are examining parasites that are found in the bloodstream of slugs - the parasites came from cramp guy's head apparently. The scientist says the slime is an irritant which can kill, and the parasites are lethal to humans. He then reveals that slugs are hermaphrodites and can fertilise their own eggs. Vast wealth of knowledge about slugs this dude has, he must have been waiting for this slug killing spree for decades.

- We now see a barn full of slugs and some dead bodies spurting out what appears to be burger sauce. Smooth Guy is back in his office, his wife calls him and demands he come home. He does so. They have a slug infestation in their kitchen. He calls the sheriff but the deputy answers, and says there is another dead body at the farm. The Smooth Guy pretty much flubs his line here, but the director saw enough sense to keep it in.

- Smooth Guy bursts into the office of a guy who I think is the police chief but I'm unsure. Smooth Guy demands he cut off the water supply, because it has been contaminated by mutant slugs. The chief guy is the worst actor yet, geez he is bad. The Smooth Guy says he will take responsibility but the chief shoots him down. Not literally. The chief eats a burger and says "Mutated slugs...crazy asshole!". We see that slugs are crawling out of his toilet, which is in his office for some reason. NEXT SCENE!

- The two people that were meeting with cramp guy are talking to the mayor now for some reason. This scene has some particularly bad dubbing. Smooth Guy again just lets himself into the office, and he has a powwow with the mayor in the corner. He demands again that the water system be cut off and babbles on about slugs. The mayor doesn't take it seriously, as the two people from the meeting now talk to Smooth Guy. The mayor calls him "nuts", the people from the meeting also ridicule the slug theory even though they saw a guy killed by them first hand. The mayor turns on a tap and water comes out, so they disprove the theory. They sign some papers and Smooth Guy leaves in anger.

- The police chief is found, by his own secretary, dead on his toilet surrounded by slugs. Back at the lab, the scientist sprays a slug with a "lithium-based arsenic", which is combustible when it comes into contact with moisture. This could kill the slugs. They reckon they should use it to wipe out the nest of slugs down in the sewers. They agree to meet at the sanitation department later.

- Some kids are playing American football in their front garden with their dad, who is the sanitation guy. Smooth Guy shows up and the kids fuck off to that Halloween party, while the two guys hang out. The smooth guy says he is going into the sewers with a chemical that will make the slugs explode. Sanitation guy dismisses this at first, until a rousing speech convinces him otherwise. The sanitation guy tells his wife he is going out for a while to kill some man-eating slugs. The wife takes this revelation insanely well. The guy says "how about when I come back we get naked and crazy!". He now takes the crown as the smoothest guy in the film.

- The Health Inspector Formerly Known As Smooth Guy (THIFKASG) is back at home, looking for Wicked Bitch, but instead discovers slugs crawling all over the basement. The wife is alive though, and he tells her to go to her mother's while he takes care of the slug problem.

- Smooth Sanitation Guy and the English scientist prepare themselves for the showdown. Meanwhile at the Halloween party, the same girl from earlier talks about the killer that eats people. NEXT SCENE!

- They all meet at the sanitation department. THIFKASG has a plan to use bait to lure all the slugs to one place. They all drive away.

- HALLOWEEN PARTY! One girl arrives, complains about being there and then leaves instantly.

- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They are still in their vehicles.

- HALLOWEEN PARTY! A couple starts making out near the woods. The guy tries to get into her pantes, literally, but she protests so he gets all pissed off. Another kid puts a Halloween mask on in order for some wackiness, but before that...

- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They go over their plan one more time.

- HALLOWEEN PARTY! - The kid in the mask pretty much tries to rape that girl from earlier, she runs away from him. She jumps down into a sewer but has left a shoe behind. We hear her screaming so we assume she is being killed by slugs, but the camera just pans in on this shoe as if its dramatic.

- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They walk through the sewer very slowly, but find the entrance is closed. They have to go a long way around for an alternative way in. Of course.

- HALLOWEEN PARTY! Another kid looks for the girl that jumped in the sewer. We see the girl's corpse being dragged away by slugs. Rough night for that bird.

- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They continue on and come across a shitload of slugs. He lights a blowtorch and uses it to burn down a wire, which falls into the water and electrocutes the slugs, shown in a horrible effect. They keep going but seem to be lost, despite having a map. The English science guy is above ground, he has arranged to meet them at a certain part of the sewer. They can't use the blowtorch now because of the methane in the air.

- The English scientist arrives at the meeting point. The guys see a load of slugs ahead of them in the sewer and try to run through them. The English scientist grabs a pickaxe and tries to open the manhole cover. The English guy stupidly left his radio in the truck, so he can't contact them. The two guys throw a huge bag full of meat at the slugs to try and distract them, but are basically surrounded on all sides.

- Meanwhile the scientist still struggles to open the manhole, then the sheriff shows up. One of the guys down below falls into the water where the slugs are and starts being eaten. The other dude shimmies along an overhanging pole but couldn't save his buddy, who is utterly mauled. THIFKASG manages to escape the sewer as the cover is finally open, and they throw the lithium thingy down into it, causing a whole bunch of explosions to occur all over town. Clearly where all the budget went.

- The sheriff says he is sorry, but THIFKASG doesn't accept this. The English scientist says they couldn't have done it without the Smooth Sanitation Guy, as a cadre of police arrive. Wicked Bitch also appears and tenderly embraces her husband. All seems well, but one slug seemed to survive the blast, clearly setting up for Slugs 2.

Fuck me, this was awful.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Joe Reviews Random Horror Films He Finds On Netflix #2: GANGSTERS, GUNS AND ZOMBIES

After reviewing the surprisingly enjoyable "Grabbers", here's another recent film I had never heard of before but had a ridiculous title I just couldn't ignore. Yes folks, here's my in depth analysis of...


- The film opens with a van driving down the motorway, we hear a voiceover say "Bank robberies are not as cool as they look in the movies", and a title screen which says "the getaway". The guy driving the van is called Q, and he is accompanied by Tony. We find out Tony's best mate's son is a bloke named Danny, and he was apparently shot in the robbery. The van nearly hits a group of people, and they are on their way to the safehouse - straight outta "Reservoir Dogs" so far.

- The gang also includes a bloke called Pat, who is "bank robbery middle management" according to Q. Danny is in the van with them, as well as someone called Muscles, a big guy with a raspy voice. Danny claims he is okay, and then we get ANOTHER character called Steve, who moans about maybe getting blood on his shoes. They say he is crazy.

- Q stops the van as a large crowd rushes by, they appear to be the zombies. They hear a siren in the distance and decide it isn't for them, which it isn't. A zombie attacks the van as Q punches an address into the sat nav, they ignore it for a while until Tony winds the window down and whistles at it, before shooting it in the head. Then a random woman appears and pleads for them to let her in the van - she is bitten by another zombie however. Tony casually shoots them both and Steve stomps on them, claiming he is helping. Then he realises he now does have blood on his shoes and calls them "cunts".

- Now a group of zombies are all over the van but they drive away, then we get the title sequence complete with news reporters, black and white footage of them fleeing the scene of the crime, and an old man attacking a zombie with a plank of wood. We see CCTV footage of zombies fighting over which bodies to eat, and a SWAT guy being eaten by a dead colleague.

- "the hospital" bit. They drag Danny out of the van but Q stays in there. He locks the doors but creepy music starts playing. He looks at his phone but it is dead, then a female zombie appears, covered in blood and snarling. The gangsters bring Danny back to the van as a zombie doctor chases them. Muscles batters a few zombies, even giving one a chokeslam before shooting it.

- "the safehouse" bit. They are on their way there as Danny continues whingeing. Tony tries to tune the radio and we hear a debate about zombies, with a reverend calling it a "man made problem". Q makes a joke about footballers being "dead on their feet" as they speed towards the safehouse. They go past a police woman desperately trying to radio for help before being attacked.

- The gang argues as it turns out Q just started working with them. We hilariously see a bride trying to eat a groom before he punches her and stabs her with an umbrella. The bridesmaids then attack and kill him. Tony then reveals there is ANOTHER safehouse, how handy. It also turns out it is a long way away, near the coast. So the climax will clearly take place there then.

- Meanwhile, a woman is attacked by zombie clowns. These "funny" random killings are already getting tired. Pat wants them to go to another hospital, but Danny reassures them he will make it. A naked zombie chases the van. We get the same "remove the head" style speech we heard in "Shaun of the Dead" during the radio debate, and then they go off air. There is a huge pile up on the motorway, to which Q says "that's gonna slow us down".

- "the other safehouse" bit. It is now broad daylight, Danny is still crying in pain. They haven't seen a car in 3 hours apparently, they blame it on the countryside. Muscles threatens to kill Steve, who still wants to hear about football scores. Another random dude is attacked. Pat reveals that Danny is dead, which elicits profanity from everyone. Steve wants to chuck him out of the van, an idea everyone else rejects. Everyone seems to get over the death very quickly.

- The smell of the dead body overwhelms everyone, and it turns out he has pissed himself in death. Steve wants to bury him, and Tony agrees. Nobody else likes the plan. We have been stuck in this van with these characters for what feels like fucking ages - Q then argues they should keep driving instead of venturing into the woods...then we get.

- "the woods" bit. BA-DUM-TSHHHH! They carry Danny through the woods until Tony picks a spot to bury him in. We get a meaningless flashback as Tony walks through a field or something, then we come back to the gang trying to close Danny's mouth so he won't swallow any dirt. They don't succeed as Tony makes a beautiful speech, it turns out Danny's dad is dead, he is a "fuck up" and couldn't shoot a gun straight. The lads all say "Amen", then a guy in a Hazmat suit runs through the wood nearby, followed by more people in wacky medieval style costumes. Steve calls one of them a "fat tin can cunt", so he goes after them until Tony shoots him.

- DANNY IS A ZOMBIE NOW! He goes after Muscles but they all dogpile him and hold him down. Tony decides he can't shoot Danny in the head, but eventually he does. The costumed zombies all attack now, Tony's gun is out of ammo but the lands punch and stomp their way out. We get sweeping violin music as they all stamp on a zombie, ha ha.

- Back in the van. Steve says that was "fucking brilliant" and they wonder how the hazmat guy got on. They are running out of petrol so they plan to stop for fuel. Pat asks why Danny came back as a zombie when he was only shot to death, nobody can really explain why. Q's phone has no service, and Muscles didn't know you could get the Internet on a phone. Steve discovers a big wound on his arm but hides it from the others.

- This is some slow going here. The hazmat guy runs into a tree as they drive past. They all stop and get out, we see a sign saying "No Fuel All Dead". Steve finds a toilet but the lights in there are flickering. He starts violently coughing and spews up. His eyes begin to bleed and he keeps coughing up blood. Meanwhile the rest of the lads discover a football and steal a truck with a quarter tank left. Tony wants to siphen the petrol from it.

- Pat goes into the toilet now and sees the blood. Q is siphening the fuel himself as Pat reports that Steve is gone and blood is everywhere. We see a zombie football team chase after them now but they all get to the van. Q hits one with a car door and Steve reappears with blood all around his eyes, he shows Q his wound. Pat asks the zombie footballers what the scores were, real solid comedy in this one. Steve slumps to the floor and Q says he has sacrificed himself. Steve is eaten by the zombie football team, to which he wildly overacts.

- Some melancholy Coldplay-style music plays as the gang looks sad in the van. They come across a remote windmill and park up. They spot another car with nobody inside, so Tony suggests they steal it. There is a nearby cottage that Tony tries to go, until an old woman emerges with a shotgun. Classic. She even swears at him, that old chestnut. She is really quite profane and suggests they go rob a post office.

- Q says they are not hear to rob her. This old woman is a horrible actress. Q says if she shoots it will attract the undead. Another woman shows up with a gun now, it must be her granddaughter. Q is black, I should've mentioned earlier, so the old woman says "shoot his black arse". The granddaughter is appalled by her nan's remarks. The young woman is holding a pillow to act as a silencer. Her name is Cassie, it turns out.

- Out of nowhere, more zombies appear and are all killed. Everyone goes into the cottage as more zombies shuffle about outside. A news reporter on TV says not to look close friends or family members in the eyes if you have to shoot them. Muscles is having a nap and snores loudly. Q and Cassie are suddenly getting along famously, she apologises to him. The reporter warns to avoid blood or brain matter, and to treat any wounds or cuts immediately. He gives 4 rules for dealing with a zombie outbreak: sever the head, have an escape route, isolate the infected and travel by day. He should release a book on the subject. Then he is killed too.

- Q and Cassie remark that this all seems too normal, and all the bad things in the world have desensitized them. Deep. He inquires if she knows why someone not bitten would come back as a zombie, in relation to Danny, but she doesn't. The rest of the gang is drinking tea made by the old lady, who is still hostile towards them. Tony promises they will leave tomorrow.

- Q and Cassie now talk about "Ghostbusters", seriously. They talk about the bit where they discuss Bible verses in the car. More zombies shuffle about outside. Pat appears and scares them, and says they have to swap watch. Mumbles snores even louder, so Pat says "shut up you walrus". Outside, one zombie appears to actually sick up a cat, which they start eating.

- Later, Mumbles promises he'll keep watch, then instantly falls asleep again. Pat and the old lady keep watch now, and Tony suggests they stop drinking coffee to avoid peaking early. Q and Cassie are in adjacent beds chatting away about the horrible things in the world again. Cassie asks him what is in their bag, he tells her it is money.

- In the night, the old lady wakes Cassie up as it appears Tony has gone. However he is downstairs stealing food and guns, until the old lady points the shotgun in his face. Q has now awoken as well. Tony says they are leaving, he has stolen their car keys. He calls Q a "soppy cunt" when he questions his behaviour, and the rest of the gang turn up as well. Tony actually tries to shoot the old lady, but again the gun isn't loaded. Cassie calls him an "evil fuck" for doing this.

- Tony tries to wrestle the shotgun away and a melee ensues. They end up going outside, and the old lady is bitten by a zombie. Tony then gets mauled and devoured by loads of them, and they manage to get into the house. The old lady tells Cassie to be strong and escape in a touching moment. He tells Q to look after her like she was his own, despite being racist towards him earlier. Q, Pat and Muscles wonder what to do.

- Cassie comes up with a plan to go round the side of the house and get the car while the old lady distracts the zombie horde. The make up on the zombies makes them look more like members of a glam rock band than the undead, but I digress - the zombies all appear to be distracted by something else, until the old lady bursts out of the room saying "Come on you motherfuckers!" Really milking the fact she swears a lot there.

- The rest of them are driving away. They suggest sailing a boat away, and Muscles reveals he knows how to sail. They talk about going to France, but Muscles would rather go to Tenerife. Cassie is upset and gets out of the car so Q goes after her. Cassie reveals the old lady shot her zombie husband before they got there, but his body was gone when she went to cover him up. Q has a crazy idea - they all stick together and trust each other. He says if this is the end of the world, there's nobody he'd rather be running away with. A tender scene between people that met the night before.

- "the plan" bit. The boys try to make a fire with sticks. Cassie uses the car lighter instead and they all share a good laugh around the fire while the apocalypse appears to be taking place. It turns out Mumbles learned how to sail from a CD-Rom. He explains the controls as Q and Cassie get close, and he cheekily suggests the two of them go on watch first. Mumbles falls asleep again, so Pat follows suit. Q and Cassie of them end up snuggling together.

- ZOMBIES! They run towards the car and one of them bites Q..but it was all a dream! Another cliche there. They then all agree to stay quiet and awake. The next day they are on their way to steal a boat and come across more undead. They are chased but Pat falls down, twisting his ankle. Q faces up to the zombies and baits them into chasing him - these are zombies that can run. He finds some kind of warehouse and fights them off with pallets.

- Q ends up in a toilet cubicle. He keeps saying "please don't learn how to open doors", then shouts "Piss off, this one's taken!". He emerges and it turns out Mumbles now has a chainsaw he is using to destroy the zombies. Pat is using a plank of wood. Q and Cassie kiss among the carnage, then we make a sudden cut to everyone on a small boat leaving the island. That was one abrupt ending. The final joke is that the zombies have learned how to swim, boom and indeed boom.

I did not enjoy this really. I can see what they were going for but the running jokes weren't particularly funny, the character of the old woman was just awful and the ending was insanely flat. Tune in tomorrow when hopefully I'll have something even worse.