Random Ass Wrestler #14

Its always fun to go back and reminisce about really random WCW wrestlers. Here's another guy you forgot ever existed:

Its Lash LeRoux! Come on, you don't know this guy? Well basically he was a Cajun wrestler in the cruiserweight division from 1999 to when WCW folded in 2001. After that he made one appearance on TNA's first ever show, and then disappeared from wrestling. He is now a minister/cartoonist. Seriously.

Other notable things about LeRoux was that he had sideburns in the shape of the letter 'L', so his sideburns reminded us of his initials. Also, he was a member of the legendary stable Misfits In Action, in which he was briefly renamed "Corporal Cajun". Also part of this group were Chavo Guerrero as "Lieutenant Loco", The Wall as "Sgt A-Wall", and Hugh Morrus (aka Bill DeMott, one of the trainers on the Tough Enough show) as "General Hugh G. Rection". That's the name they gave him. WCW was shit in 2000.

Alfie Boe: The singer we trust

I saw an advert on TV today for a guy called Alfie Boe, who appears to be the latest person to basically just do a covers album but in a slightly operatic fashion, which will inevitably sell millions of copies as it is an ideal Xmas gift for middle aged women. If that seems like a sweeping generalisation, that's because it is.

Anyway, while the voiceover man was giving it the usual guff about how good Mr Boe is, he said the following line: "The voice you love, the singer you trust". What? The singer I trust? I, like I imagine a shitload of other people in this country, have never met the man, and thus don't know him on the level where we can trust him. Also, trust him with what? Financial advice? Our deepest secrets? Our lives? I've seen a lot of adverts for a lot of middle of the road singers who seem to primarily do covers of songs anyone over 40 already owns, but I've never been informed of my trust in them before. This "trust" I have in Alfie was previously unbeknownst to me, but apparently we all share in it. So the next time you want to tell someone a big secret, or are seeking confidential advice about anything whatsoever, or if you are in a situation where your life is in danger and you need protecting in some way, go and find Alfie Boe.

Because in Alfie Boe we trust. Apparently.

Random Ass Wrestler #13

Who could it be this week? It could be Who!

Yes, this actually happened. A wrestler called "Who". My guess is the sole purpose of this was so that the commentators could recycle ancient Abbott & Costello routines during his matches -

"Who is in the ring?"
"Yes, Who is in the ring!"
"Who?"
"Yes, Who!"

etc, etc. Otherwise this was fucking dumb and didn't last very long. If you couldn't tell from the picture, Who was actually Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, a Canadian wrestler renowned for having a long goatee and being insane, having to tuck said goatee into a crappy yellow mask.

Who cared? Nobody. Not even Who cared. Also, I can neither confirm nor deny that Horton ever heard him, nor that he came to dinner, nor that he knew too much, nor that he could be king, nor that he's that girl Eve sang about that time. Christ, even I think these are terrible jokes.

King Haiku #3

I haven't done one of these for ages. Here's one about current Chelsea and almost Tottenham midfielder Willian.

He of the large hair
Is he shit or is he good?
Its so hard to tell

Random Ass Wrestler #12

Okay, so I had a busy few days and didn't review as many crappy horror movies as I would have liked, but I think just because Halloween is over doesn't mean I can't carry on skewering these bad films, so I promise a few more are on the way soon. I also once again crashed out last night without doing one of these, so here's a special case - a random wrestler that portrayed a few different gimmicks during his career.

Here is a recent picture of the legend that is Barry Darsow.

If you don't recognise the name or the face, here are a few of the characters he played between the early 80s - late 90s.

Krusher Kruschev, an evil Russian:

In the WWF, he was first known as Smash, one half of the legendary tag team Demolition:

After they split, he went on to become The Repo Man, a bad guy who stole things ranging from cars to hats:

Then he left WWF to join WCW. His first gimmick there was as Blacktop Bully, who as far as I could tell was an angry truck driver:

He was fired from WCW for a while, after he bladed (caused himself to bleed) which went against the WCW policy at the time. He did this during a King of the Road match, in which he had a fight against Dustin Rhodes, better known as Goldust, on the back of a moving flatbed truck. It was one of the worst matches ever. Then he was rehired not too long after, and adopted the gimmick of "Mr Hole In One" - a golf enthusiast:

What a mixed bag there. I think he still occasionally wrestles as Demolition Smash, his most popular and enduring gimmick, despite being about 60 years old now. Personally I had a soft spot for the Repo Man, just  because it was so fucking ridiculous, but Darsow made his antics entertaining all the same.

Joe Reviews Random Horror Films He Finds On Netflix #3: SLUGS

So the first two films I reviewed are very recent British horror comedies, so let's change tack a bit. Let's go for some 80s American cheesiness with a film very simply entitled...

SLUGS (1987)

- This is either going to be so bad its awesome or so bad its... just plain bad. How scary can killer slugs possibly be? We see a young couple in a boat fishing, the guy moans that he felt something slimy and then falls into the water. The girl calmly tells him to "cut it out" as he flails about, but then we see the water fill with blood. Yep, that was your opening scene. The title screen reads Slugs: The Movie, in case you thought this was Slugs: The Stage Play, or Slugs: The Musical.

- This films stars nobody I have ever heard of, but this is apparently based on a novel. Bet that's some read. We see a car full of teenagers drive past an old man and yell at him. The old man's dog shows up, and he soon cheers up as he walks into a typically creepy looking house. He starts chugging whiskey and then insults his dog for no reason - we see he has an eviction notice. A vast amount of slugs appear to have entered his home, of course he is blissfully unaware of this. The old men sits down in a chair and is apparently eaten, but we aren't sure because we cut very quickly to...

- A group of people sitting in a booth at a bar. It appears to be a double date, one of the girls wants to dance but nobody else does. One couple leaves as another enters, it turns out this guy is a "county sanitation supervisor", and he explains that he basically crawls around in sewers. The woman that is leaving is a teacher, two of her students are the woman that just walked in's kids. Getting all that? Do you care?

- The departing couple is back at home, she is dressed in a sexy negligee. The husband says the smoothest of lines: "Hey teacher, whaddya say we start our homework?" and they begin making out. Slugs are crawling on their window, but then we cut to another scene. Damn, this film knows how to build that suspense.

- We are at the sheriff's office now. An officer is talking to his wife, and says "I am too busy to come home and kill a few snails", or something to that effect. The smooth guy shows up and goes for a drive with the sheriff, they trade uninteresting banter until they get to the dead old man's house. They knock on the door and then try to look through the windows. They climb in through an open one and notice the old man's corpse, apparently the slugs managed to skin him and are crawling around his skull. They then actually wheel him out in a stretcher. The dog is still alive, you'll be glad to hear, but it turns out the old man also lost his heart, kidneys and liver! Bugger me, these slugs are vicious.

- The smooth guy goes back into the house by himself - textbook. He sees a huge trail of blood on the floor, and goes down into the basement, naturally. The smell is too much so he goes back up the stairs without incident. NEXT SCENE!

- Back in the sheriff's car. The smooth guy is a health inspector as it turns out, and he reckons it was rats what did it. We then see the smooth guy at his office, and he is put onto the phone with a woman who complains about the sewers being blocked up. The smooth guy and the sanitation guy both turn up at the house at the exact same time - the woman is another miserable old hag who complains at them. The sanitation guy goes down into the sewer by himself armed with a torch. He comes across a pipe filled with...stuff I guess, including what appear to be dead fishes. Something almost takes him into the pipe, but he escapes.

- Now we are at a classroom where the teacher lady from earlier is...teaching, duh. Her nickname is the "Wicked Bitch" apparently. The smooth guy is waiting for her when she leaves. But enough of that, let's focus on the schoolkids! They all go to a diner and speculate on what killed the old man - one girl thinks it was a notorious local killer who eats his victims. These kids all have the worst fashion sense ever, jean-jackets all over the gaff. Some other kids talk about going to a Halloween party. NEXT SCENE!

- A random old couple is in their greenhouse. They spot some slug's eggs, and it seems both of them are horrendously bad actors. NEXT SCENE! Literally, that lasted about 30 seconds.

- A cheerleader (we know this because it says "cheerleader" on her varsity jacket) is alone in her house, she puts some lettuce in the sink but it seems the slugs are all over it. The girl watches TV, blissfully unaware.

- Back to the greenhouse! The old man goes back inside, and something bites him on the hand. He grabs some shears in an attempt to kill it, but cuts himself as you would expect, causing him to fall down. His wife is in the house hoovering, blissfully unaware. The old man finds an axe and chops away until his wife finally hears his cries. The old man severs his own hand, but then out of nowhere a fire starts and the greenhouse fucking explodes. What. A. Scene.

- Smooth Guy and Wicked Bitch again. The wife informs him the old couple (who they know by name apparently) are dead. The guy is upset, and says in the most wooden delivery ever "They were nice people, I liked them a lot!", some real emotion there. They spot a trail of slime, and we see some massive slugs now. One of them bites the guy on the finger, so he puts it into a jar. The guy wants to take it to a lab.

- The lettuce girl is asleep now. Someone arrives in their car and honks the horn, waking her up. She chops the lettuce which has a slug inside...then her boyfriend/husband turns up. They trade the most awkward sex chatter ever and then apparently get it on.

- Smooth Guy and Wicked Bitch at the school's lab now. An English scientist called John is just hanging around, and he examines the slug. He says their mucus is like a "slimy carpet" that they travel on, and says the slug has three or four rows of teeth to grind up its food - mainly greens. The smooth guy asks if they ever eat meat, and the doctor says some species of slug do eat tiny worms and insects. The couple then leave the scientist alone. NEXT SCENE!

- Lettuce girl and her fella are still lounging about, he briefly feels a cramp but it passes within about 3 seconds. The girl admits she is a drunken whore but wants to do something about it. The guy suffers another cramp and has a strange taste in his mouth. These two are also shockingly bad at acting.

- Now a scene with the schoolkids again. One of them goes to visit his girlfriend at home and they start making out. He notices they have a lot of liquor and starts to drink it. She says if her old man found out he would "probably have a cow", really dating this film there. They start to have sex on the bar...NEXT SCENE!

- The English scientist is still in the lab. He places a slug into a petri dish and examines it. What the fuck else has he been doing the whole time? We see he has a pet hamster in a cage. One slug crawls into the hamster cage and kills it. The scientist is mildly shaken up.

- Back to the teenage couple, who are full on shagging now. There are slugs all over the toilet and floor, but of course they are blissfully unaware. He starts drinking more whiskey to "recharge his batteries", but a slug bites him on the foot. She then stands on them and is soon devoured. She gets her eyeballs eaten out as the naked dude tries to escape through a window, but it is a futile attempt and he too is killed.

- The guy with the cramps from earlier is still in a bad way. He drinks a glass of water. That's it, NEXT SCENE!

- Smooth Guy arrives at the house where the teen couple were killed, and the sheriff is already there. Smooth Guy has a theory that they are dealing with a mutant form of slug that eats meat. The sheriff is incredulous and says "What's next, rampaging crickets or deadly mosquitos?", both of which I have no doubt have since become actual films. Smooth Guy goes back to his office, and he lambasts his secretary for some reason. Smooth Guy calls the sanitation dude, and apparently half eaten rats, chickens, cats and dogs have been found in the sewers.

- The guy with the cramps is back, and has apparently recovered. He has an important meeting to go to. NEXT SCENE!

- Sanitation dude shows the smooth guy a map, and says there is something down there killing people. He has discovered that in the 50s, the town was a toxic waste dump. NEXT SCENE!

- We are in a fancy restaurant now, cramp guy is having his meeting. He is now really struggling, and excuses himself from the table. His nose starts bleeding, but he wipes off the blood and resumes the meeting. The people he is meeting with agree to work with him on whatever the fuck he is doing, and as he drinks a tumbler of whiskey (the drink of choice in this town clearly) slugs fall out of his mouth. He starts bleeding again and his eyeball bursts as slugs eat his face.

- Sanitation dude and the smooth guy say poisonous gases may have escaped from the toxic wastage. The Smooth Guy gets a call from his secretary. He is summoned to the fancy restaurant where the cramp guy is also being stretchered out. The restaurant owner and the chef deny having worms, which the sheriff accuses them of.

- Back at the lab, smooth guy and sanitation guy are there, and they are examining parasites that are found in the bloodstream of slugs - the parasites came from cramp guy's head apparently. The scientist says the slime is an irritant which can kill, and the parasites are lethal to humans. He then reveals that slugs are hermaphrodites and can fertilise their own eggs. Vast wealth of knowledge about slugs this dude has, he must have been waiting for this slug killing spree for decades.

- We now see a barn full of slugs and some dead bodies spurting out what appears to be burger sauce. Smooth Guy is back in his office, his wife calls him and demands he come home. He does so. They have a slug infestation in their kitchen. He calls the sheriff but the deputy answers, and says there is another dead body at the farm. The Smooth Guy pretty much flubs his line here, but the director saw enough sense to keep it in.

- Smooth Guy bursts into the office of a guy who I think is the police chief but I'm unsure. Smooth Guy demands he cut off the water supply, because it has been contaminated by mutant slugs. The chief guy is the worst actor yet, geez he is bad. The Smooth Guy says he will take responsibility but the chief shoots him down. Not literally. The chief eats a burger and says "Mutated slugs...crazy asshole!". We see that slugs are crawling out of his toilet, which is in his office for some reason. NEXT SCENE!

- The two people that were meeting with cramp guy are talking to the mayor now for some reason. This scene has some particularly bad dubbing. Smooth Guy again just lets himself into the office, and he has a powwow with the mayor in the corner. He demands again that the water system be cut off and babbles on about slugs. The mayor doesn't take it seriously, as the two people from the meeting now talk to Smooth Guy. The mayor calls him "nuts", the people from the meeting also ridicule the slug theory even though they saw a guy killed by them first hand. The mayor turns on a tap and water comes out, so they disprove the theory. They sign some papers and Smooth Guy leaves in anger.

- The police chief is found, by his own secretary, dead on his toilet surrounded by slugs. Back at the lab, the scientist sprays a slug with a "lithium-based arsenic", which is combustible when it comes into contact with moisture. This could kill the slugs. They reckon they should use it to wipe out the nest of slugs down in the sewers. They agree to meet at the sanitation department later.

- Some kids are playing American football in their front garden with their dad, who is the sanitation guy. Smooth Guy shows up and the kids fuck off to that Halloween party, while the two guys hang out. The smooth guy says he is going into the sewers with a chemical that will make the slugs explode. Sanitation guy dismisses this at first, until a rousing speech convinces him otherwise. The sanitation guy tells his wife he is going out for a while to kill some man-eating slugs. The wife takes this revelation insanely well. The guy says "how about when I come back we get naked and crazy!". He now takes the crown as the smoothest guy in the film.

- The Health Inspector Formerly Known As Smooth Guy (THIFKASG) is back at home, looking for Wicked Bitch, but instead discovers slugs crawling all over the basement. The wife is alive though, and he tells her to go to her mother's while he takes care of the slug problem.

- Smooth Sanitation Guy and the English scientist prepare themselves for the showdown. Meanwhile at the Halloween party, the same girl from earlier talks about the killer that eats people. NEXT SCENE!

- They all meet at the sanitation department. THIFKASG has a plan to use bait to lure all the slugs to one place. They all drive away.

- HALLOWEEN PARTY! One girl arrives, complains about being there and then leaves instantly.

- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They are still in their vehicles.

- HALLOWEEN PARTY! A couple starts making out near the woods. The guy tries to get into her pantes, literally, but she protests so he gets all pissed off. Another kid puts a Halloween mask on in order for some wackiness, but before that...

- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They go over their plan one more time.

- HALLOWEEN PARTY! - The kid in the mask pretty much tries to rape that girl from earlier, she runs away from him. She jumps down into a sewer but has left a shoe behind. We hear her screaming so we assume she is being killed by slugs, but the camera just pans in on this shoe as if its dramatic.

- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They walk through the sewer very slowly, but find the entrance is closed. They have to go a long way around for an alternative way in. Of course.

- HALLOWEEN PARTY! Another kid looks for the girl that jumped in the sewer. We see the girl's corpse being dragged away by slugs. Rough night for that bird.

- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They continue on and come across a shitload of slugs. He lights a blowtorch and uses it to burn down a wire, which falls into the water and electrocutes the slugs, shown in a horrible effect. They keep going but seem to be lost, despite having a map. The English science guy is above ground, he has arranged to meet them at a certain part of the sewer. They can't use the blowtorch now because of the methane in the air.

- The English scientist arrives at the meeting point. The guys see a load of slugs ahead of them in the sewer and try to run through them. The English scientist grabs a pickaxe and tries to open the manhole cover. The English guy stupidly left his radio in the truck, so he can't contact them. The two guys throw a huge bag full of meat at the slugs to try and distract them, but are basically surrounded on all sides.

- Meanwhile the scientist still struggles to open the manhole, then the sheriff shows up. One of the guys down below falls into the water where the slugs are and starts being eaten. The other dude shimmies along an overhanging pole but couldn't save his buddy, who is utterly mauled. THIFKASG manages to escape the sewer as the cover is finally open, and they throw the lithium thingy down into it, causing a whole bunch of explosions to occur all over town. Clearly where all the budget went.

- The sheriff says he is sorry, but THIFKASG doesn't accept this. The English scientist says they couldn't have done it without the Smooth Sanitation Guy, as a cadre of police arrive. Wicked Bitch also appears and tenderly embraces her husband. All seems well, but one slug seemed to survive the blast, clearly setting up for Slugs 2.


Fuck me, this was awful.

Joe Reviews Random Horror Films He Finds On Netflix #2: GANGSTERS, GUNS AND ZOMBIES

After reviewing the surprisingly enjoyable "Grabbers", here's another recent film I had never heard of before but had a ridiculous title I just couldn't ignore. Yes folks, here's my in depth analysis of...

GANGSTERS, GUNS AND ZOMBIES (2012)

- The film opens with a van driving down the motorway, we hear a voiceover say "Bank robberies are not as cool as they look in the movies", and a title screen which says "the getaway". The guy driving the van is called Q, and he is accompanied by Tony. We find out Tony's best mate's son is a bloke named Danny, and he was apparently shot in the robbery. The van nearly hits a group of people, and they are on their way to the safehouse - straight outta "Reservoir Dogs" so far.

- The gang also includes a bloke called Pat, who is "bank robbery middle management" according to Q. Danny is in the van with them, as well as someone called Muscles, a big guy with a raspy voice. Danny claims he is okay, and then we get ANOTHER character called Steve, who moans about maybe getting blood on his shoes. They say he is crazy.

- Q stops the van as a large crowd rushes by, they appear to be the zombies. They hear a siren in the distance and decide it isn't for them, which it isn't. A zombie attacks the van as Q punches an address into the sat nav, they ignore it for a while until Tony winds the window down and whistles at it, before shooting it in the head. Then a random woman appears and pleads for them to let her in the van - she is bitten by another zombie however. Tony casually shoots them both and Steve stomps on them, claiming he is helping. Then he realises he now does have blood on his shoes and calls them "cunts".

- Now a group of zombies are all over the van but they drive away, then we get the title sequence complete with news reporters, black and white footage of them fleeing the scene of the crime, and an old man attacking a zombie with a plank of wood. We see CCTV footage of zombies fighting over which bodies to eat, and a SWAT guy being eaten by a dead colleague.

- "the hospital" bit. They drag Danny out of the van but Q stays in there. He locks the doors but creepy music starts playing. He looks at his phone but it is dead, then a female zombie appears, covered in blood and snarling. The gangsters bring Danny back to the van as a zombie doctor chases them. Muscles batters a few zombies, even giving one a chokeslam before shooting it.

- "the safehouse" bit. They are on their way there as Danny continues whingeing. Tony tries to tune the radio and we hear a debate about zombies, with a reverend calling it a "man made problem". Q makes a joke about footballers being "dead on their feet" as they speed towards the safehouse. They go past a police woman desperately trying to radio for help before being attacked.

- The gang argues as it turns out Q just started working with them. We hilariously see a bride trying to eat a groom before he punches her and stabs her with an umbrella. The bridesmaids then attack and kill him. Tony then reveals there is ANOTHER safehouse, how handy. It also turns out it is a long way away, near the coast. So the climax will clearly take place there then.

- Meanwhile, a woman is attacked by zombie clowns. These "funny" random killings are already getting tired. Pat wants them to go to another hospital, but Danny reassures them he will make it. A naked zombie chases the van. We get the same "remove the head" style speech we heard in "Shaun of the Dead" during the radio debate, and then they go off air. There is a huge pile up on the motorway, to which Q says "that's gonna slow us down".

- "the other safehouse" bit. It is now broad daylight, Danny is still crying in pain. They haven't seen a car in 3 hours apparently, they blame it on the countryside. Muscles threatens to kill Steve, who still wants to hear about football scores. Another random dude is attacked. Pat reveals that Danny is dead, which elicits profanity from everyone. Steve wants to chuck him out of the van, an idea everyone else rejects. Everyone seems to get over the death very quickly.

- The smell of the dead body overwhelms everyone, and it turns out he has pissed himself in death. Steve wants to bury him, and Tony agrees. Nobody else likes the plan. We have been stuck in this van with these characters for what feels like fucking ages - Q then argues they should keep driving instead of venturing into the woods...then we get.

- "the woods" bit. BA-DUM-TSHHHH! They carry Danny through the woods until Tony picks a spot to bury him in. We get a meaningless flashback as Tony walks through a field or something, then we come back to the gang trying to close Danny's mouth so he won't swallow any dirt. They don't succeed as Tony makes a beautiful speech, it turns out Danny's dad is dead, he is a "fuck up" and couldn't shoot a gun straight. The lads all say "Amen", then a guy in a Hazmat suit runs through the wood nearby, followed by more people in wacky medieval style costumes. Steve calls one of them a "fat tin can cunt", so he goes after them until Tony shoots him.

- DANNY IS A ZOMBIE NOW! He goes after Muscles but they all dogpile him and hold him down. Tony decides he can't shoot Danny in the head, but eventually he does. The costumed zombies all attack now, Tony's gun is out of ammo but the lands punch and stomp their way out. We get sweeping violin music as they all stamp on a zombie, ha ha.

- Back in the van. Steve says that was "fucking brilliant" and they wonder how the hazmat guy got on. They are running out of petrol so they plan to stop for fuel. Pat asks why Danny came back as a zombie when he was only shot to death, nobody can really explain why. Q's phone has no service, and Muscles didn't know you could get the Internet on a phone. Steve discovers a big wound on his arm but hides it from the others.

- This is some slow going here. The hazmat guy runs into a tree as they drive past. They all stop and get out, we see a sign saying "No Fuel All Dead". Steve finds a toilet but the lights in there are flickering. He starts violently coughing and spews up. His eyes begin to bleed and he keeps coughing up blood. Meanwhile the rest of the lads discover a football and steal a truck with a quarter tank left. Tony wants to siphen the petrol from it.

- Pat goes into the toilet now and sees the blood. Q is siphening the fuel himself as Pat reports that Steve is gone and blood is everywhere. We see a zombie football team chase after them now but they all get to the van. Q hits one with a car door and Steve reappears with blood all around his eyes, he shows Q his wound. Pat asks the zombie footballers what the scores were, real solid comedy in this one. Steve slumps to the floor and Q says he has sacrificed himself. Steve is eaten by the zombie football team, to which he wildly overacts.

- Some melancholy Coldplay-style music plays as the gang looks sad in the van. They come across a remote windmill and park up. They spot another car with nobody inside, so Tony suggests they steal it. There is a nearby cottage that Tony tries to go, until an old woman emerges with a shotgun. Classic. She even swears at him, that old chestnut. She is really quite profane and suggests they go rob a post office.

- Q says they are not hear to rob her. This old woman is a horrible actress. Q says if she shoots it will attract the undead. Another woman shows up with a gun now, it must be her granddaughter. Q is black, I should've mentioned earlier, so the old woman says "shoot his black arse". The granddaughter is appalled by her nan's remarks. The young woman is holding a pillow to act as a silencer. Her name is Cassie, it turns out.

- Out of nowhere, more zombies appear and are all killed. Everyone goes into the cottage as more zombies shuffle about outside. A news reporter on TV says not to look close friends or family members in the eyes if you have to shoot them. Muscles is having a nap and snores loudly. Q and Cassie are suddenly getting along famously, she apologises to him. The reporter warns to avoid blood or brain matter, and to treat any wounds or cuts immediately. He gives 4 rules for dealing with a zombie outbreak: sever the head, have an escape route, isolate the infected and travel by day. He should release a book on the subject. Then he is killed too.

- Q and Cassie remark that this all seems too normal, and all the bad things in the world have desensitized them. Deep. He inquires if she knows why someone not bitten would come back as a zombie, in relation to Danny, but she doesn't. The rest of the gang is drinking tea made by the old lady, who is still hostile towards them. Tony promises they will leave tomorrow.

- Q and Cassie now talk about "Ghostbusters", seriously. They talk about the bit where they discuss Bible verses in the car. More zombies shuffle about outside. Pat appears and scares them, and says they have to swap watch. Mumbles snores even louder, so Pat says "shut up you walrus". Outside, one zombie appears to actually sick up a cat, which they start eating.

- Later, Mumbles promises he'll keep watch, then instantly falls asleep again. Pat and the old lady keep watch now, and Tony suggests they stop drinking coffee to avoid peaking early. Q and Cassie are in adjacent beds chatting away about the horrible things in the world again. Cassie asks him what is in their bag, he tells her it is money.

- In the night, the old lady wakes Cassie up as it appears Tony has gone. However he is downstairs stealing food and guns, until the old lady points the shotgun in his face. Q has now awoken as well. Tony says they are leaving, he has stolen their car keys. He calls Q a "soppy cunt" when he questions his behaviour, and the rest of the gang turn up as well. Tony actually tries to shoot the old lady, but again the gun isn't loaded. Cassie calls him an "evil fuck" for doing this.

- Tony tries to wrestle the shotgun away and a melee ensues. They end up going outside, and the old lady is bitten by a zombie. Tony then gets mauled and devoured by loads of them, and they manage to get into the house. The old lady tells Cassie to be strong and escape in a touching moment. He tells Q to look after her like she was his own, despite being racist towards him earlier. Q, Pat and Muscles wonder what to do.

- Cassie comes up with a plan to go round the side of the house and get the car while the old lady distracts the zombie horde. The make up on the zombies makes them look more like members of a glam rock band than the undead, but I digress - the zombies all appear to be distracted by something else, until the old lady bursts out of the room saying "Come on you motherfuckers!" Really milking the fact she swears a lot there.

- The rest of them are driving away. They suggest sailing a boat away, and Muscles reveals he knows how to sail. They talk about going to France, but Muscles would rather go to Tenerife. Cassie is upset and gets out of the car so Q goes after her. Cassie reveals the old lady shot her zombie husband before they got there, but his body was gone when she went to cover him up. Q has a crazy idea - they all stick together and trust each other. He says if this is the end of the world, there's nobody he'd rather be running away with. A tender scene between people that met the night before.

- "the plan" bit. The boys try to make a fire with sticks. Cassie uses the car lighter instead and they all share a good laugh around the fire while the apocalypse appears to be taking place. It turns out Mumbles learned how to sail from a CD-Rom. He explains the controls as Q and Cassie get close, and he cheekily suggests the two of them go on watch first. Mumbles falls asleep again, so Pat follows suit. Q and Cassie of them end up snuggling together.

- ZOMBIES! They run towards the car and one of them bites Q..but it was all a dream! Another cliche there. They then all agree to stay quiet and awake. The next day they are on their way to steal a boat and come across more undead. They are chased but Pat falls down, twisting his ankle. Q faces up to the zombies and baits them into chasing him - these are zombies that can run. He finds some kind of warehouse and fights them off with pallets.

- Q ends up in a toilet cubicle. He keeps saying "please don't learn how to open doors", then shouts "Piss off, this one's taken!". He emerges and it turns out Mumbles now has a chainsaw he is using to destroy the zombies. Pat is using a plank of wood. Q and Cassie kiss among the carnage, then we make a sudden cut to everyone on a small boat leaving the island. That was one abrupt ending. The final joke is that the zombies have learned how to swim, boom and indeed boom.


I did not enjoy this really. I can see what they were going for but the running jokes weren't particularly funny, the character of the old woman was just awful and the ending was insanely flat. Tune in tomorrow when hopefully I'll have something even worse.

Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #11

Let's once again go back to mid 90s WWF with...

Duke "The Dumpster" Droese! In case you forgot, this guy was a wrestling garbage man. That's right. He carried a trash can around and his theme song featured the sound of a garbage truck reversing. This was at a time when the WWF were big on "occupation gimmicks" so as well as this garbage man, you had a dentist, a plumber, a tax man, a clown, a male model, a teacher, a shoot fighter, farmers, country music singers and fitness instructors running amok. It was a strange time which I personally recall with little fondness.

Joe Reviews Random Horror Films He Finds On Netflix #1: GRABBERS

                    Yeah, its almost Halloween. I know because Gregg's has put out all their fancy bat biscuits and vampire doughnuts or whatever else they sell there this time of year. With that in mind, and being that I haven't done that many blogs lately, I'm gonna attempt to review a different random horror film each day for the next week. Netflix often suggests I watch films that I haven't seen or even heard of, most of which seem like they would be absolutely awful, but have also massively piqued my interest, because I secretly love shit films. I even have Freddy Got Fingered on DVD. Anyway, the first film I am going to watch and give an in-depth synopsis of is something called...

Grabbers (2012)

            Okay, so this is a whimsical Irish tale about a strange alien menace that lands in a sleepy island town and starts eating people and whales. Two police guards are posted on the island, one of whom is a belligerent pisshead bloke, and the other is a plucky young woman, but the film is filled with the kind of colourful characters you would expect. In the first scene, three fishermen on a trawler are attacked and killed by the creature which seems to have landed from the sky, and in another early moment a local man discovers large eggs on the beach and then gets sucked into the sea.

           Early doors the local residents encourage the belligerent pisshead to make a move on the young woman, so there is a romantic subplot here. In the same scene, another older drunken man at the only pub on the island claims to have caught a sea monster, with such glorious dialogue as "That ain't no feckin' lobster!", and he keeps it in his bathtub.

            We see another couple at home who get a knock at the door. When the husband opens it, another old man is swinging from a porch light and is dropped to the floor. The husband is then grabbed by the alien and plucked into the air. The wife then gets sucked up the chimney. What a way to go.

            The belligerent pisshead gets more pissed and asks the girl to go for drinks. He tells her he will ride a horse home because "the horse is sober". He knocks some of her stuff over and appears to fall asleep standing up. Then the old man with the monster in his bath finds that it has laid an egg and left a gooey mess on the mirror. Then the grabber finally appears in all its glory, and attacks the old man, who we see stamping on it during the melee.

            We hear there is a storm coming, so we instantly know the final scene will involve this storm. Then we hear the belligerent pisshead is widowed, so now the girl will have a bit more sympathy towards him. The woman who runs the hotel they are staying at tries to encourage the girl to take the honeymoon suite, as a stag party is coming next week from Dublin. We then see that the girl put the belligerent pisshead in a prison cell for the night, because he passed out.

            The old man who found the monster is still alive and demands a finders fee. Also on the island is a doctor who specialises in marine life and all that, he also fancies the police lady. The doctor isn't sure if the creature is actually dead, so there's the customary scene where he opens it up in his lab, before he tells them that the creature drains all the blood from its victims and is "something alien", and that "all it needs to survive are blood and water". The crazy old man asks if he can sell it on eBay. The doctor opens up one of the eggs and we see some disgusting mess inside.

           The police (or "garda") find the car of the other guy who was swinging earlier. They explore the remote house where he and the married couple were killed, and she pulls a severed head from the chimney. They bring the head to another more conventional doctor, who suggests they may have been mauled by a tiger. We see the old man who discovered the creature now has a huge hole in his bathroom wall. The garda and the old man explore the beach where he first found the grabber and go into some caves. They wander around with torches until they come across a discarded fisherman's uniform. The old guy finds more eggs, one of which shows signs of life.

           A fucking massive grabber appears in the cave, so the guards run from it. The grabber shoots a tentacle towards them and they all leg it off the beach. Naturally they can't call for back up because of the impending storm. In the lab, they set fire to the grabber. A sprinkler goes off and the marine doctor says "Get it wet...you really are Irish" - he is English, you see, hence the butt of a lot of jokes here. They slowly approach the creature, which sprays something at the pisshead police guard and attacks him, the others eventually get him free. The pisshead screams "vicious little fuck" and they beat it to death with brooms and shovels. The old man is still around, and claims he is still alive because of diet and exercise.

          This is the major turning point of the film - they theorise that the aliens that act like leeches didn't kill the old man or the police guard due to the alcohol in their systems. They suggest having a lock in at the hotel pub where everybody drinks. They don't tell the woman who runs the hotel what is actually happening, and instead act like its a surprise party for her. The belligerent pisshead promises not to drink though, and promises the woman that he can do it. She tells him she has never been drunk, and he tells her she can do it in a touching moment.

          They all watch as the girl gets hammered and applaud her efforts. The old man brings some home brew and distributes it to her, but she reacts very badly to it. They take her blood test and inject it into a pint glass before feeding it to a grabber they are keeping in a tank. It dies. They breathalyze her and its a .2 reading, so all the men agree they will need to do shots as well as pints.

           Firstly the two garda go to the island church, and he tells everyone they are invited to the pub for a "great night's craic". The hotel woman questions it, and the drunk girl says its her welcome party. She threatens to arrest anyone who doesn't turn up - he then says it'll be a free bar and everyone is bang up for it. Even the priest.

          As the storm brews up outside, we see general merriment inside. The main characters get some weapons together, including flare guns, a board with a nail in it and a super soaker they will fill with petrol. The two garda are in the police vehicle where he is drinking a thermos of coffee, but they flirt all the same. She says she fancies him, but he says now is not the time.

         The English doctor drinks on his own and is lagging badly. The island doctor laments having to wait to use the toilet so he goes outside and pisses on a wall. The garda are still chatting away, and she starts crying and says she is sorry that his wife died. The guy says nobody died and it just didn't work out - she met someone else which drove him to excessive drinking. Meanwhile, a whole army of small grabbers appear and attack the island doctor. The garda try to help him out - she kicks some of them around and the doctor gets free. Then another huge grabber appears and devours him, severing his head.

         The grabber then attacks their vehicle as they run back into the pub. They try to light the super soaker and the pub owner runs outside with it, but the gun totally fails. He narrowly avoids being eaten. The reformed belligerent pisshead then says the party is moving upstairs and says nobody can go home. The suspicious hotel lady wonders what it going on, and some of them nearly come to blows. The marine doctor demands more booze and goes outside. He wants to get a photo with the grabber while the others protest - he snaps a few pictures but then the creature, which doesn't eat him due to the alcohol, instead flicks him wth a tentacle and he goes absolutely flying.

          Inside, everyone goes upstairs as the small creatures have managed to get into the building. The others think of ways to kill the grabber - the pissed police woman suggests lifting it into the air and leaving it until the sun comes up, drying it out and killing it. The crazy old man refuses to go and do it ("feck off!") so the pissed police woman volunteers. They arm her with a nail gun, but she falls down the stairs. The old man says "she's a goner", and then suggests making a dummy to confuse the creature.

          The baby grabbers ransack the pub and act much like drunken people would. The woman nails one of them to the bar then kicks one into the jukebox, which plays an old 50s rock 'n' roll song. We see the huge grabber has got inside the building and as you would expect, the fuses are blown. The woman manages to set fire to the bar and is dragged along by the grabber briefly. Everyone upstairs smells the smoke - the sober police guard climbs out of the window as the grabber tries to get him. The drunken woman turns up in a car and they speed off, pursued by the creature.

         They drive out to an industrial park, where the creature manages to attack the guy with its tongue. The drunken woman turns up in a JCB now and tips it over a rock face, trapping it. They both climb out but the grabber gets hold of him still , but the guy tips some of the homebrew into its mouth (she had the bottle on her the whole time and had just handed it to him). She then says "shut your hole" and shoots a flare at a load of oil barrels, which explode and burn the grabber to a crisp.

        The next day the old man and the hotel owner agree the last night was actually fun. They share a good laugh despite people they know and love being dead. The two police guards are walking down a hillside road together, and both are covered in dirt. They share a kiss and seem to agree on moving to the island together. We then see a nice shot of the beach and the seafront, until we see one of the eggs start to hatch again, ending things on an ominous note.

          Okay, that was a pretty detailed description of the film, but hopefully you got the idea from it all - this is essentially "Tremors" meets "Waking Ned" - at times it is derivative of similar horror comedies but is actually quite an endearing and at times funny film. I thought it was going to suck, so what do I know. Maybe the next one will.

         

     

         

Random Ass Wrestler #10

Sorry, I forgot to do this last night. To make up for it, here are two guys from the original ECW you may have forgotten:

First of all, Roadkill. Look at that picture. He was apparently a 300-pound Amish dude, and one of his trademarks was shouting the word "Chickens!" a lot. He had some success in the tag division towards the end of the original ECW's run teaming with Danny Doring. He also appeared in the WWE's reboot of ECW for about 2 weeks, then buggered off.

Also, another guy who was mainly a tag wrestler in ECW's later years:

This is Chris Chetti. He was a flamboyant dude who did fairly well teaming with Nova in about 1999-2000. One of his more famous moments was stopping a match in order to dance to "Livin' La Vida Loca". He too seems to have dropped off the face of the earth.

Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #9

This week, its back to WCW with the one and presumably only, Kaz Hayashi.

As you may be able to tell, he was a Japanese cruiserweight wrestler. He was actually very talented, but because he was foreign in an American company, he was made to look like an idiot most of the time. His highlight was being part of the Jung Dragons, a stable of Asians in which he was the only actual Asian. As far as I know he still wrestles today, but his WCW legacy lives on in the hearts and minds of absolutely nobody.

What Rihanna's songs are really about

No doubt if you have been a resident of Earth within the last 5 or 6 years, you will have encountered at least one song by the singer Rihanna. Now, it would be very easy to dismiss these songs as throwaway pop numbers because, well frankly they are, but has anyone ever really listened to the lyrics? They may seem like innocuous ditties about familiar subjects like love, life and being excited by whips, but I believe there's more to them than that - allow me to furnish you with a few examples:

"We found love in a hopeless place" - this is actually based on a true event where Rihanna led a search party for former Hole lead singer and possible Kurt Cobain murderer Courteney Love, who had gone missing in Runcorn. They discovered her face down in a ditch.

"Oh nana, what's my name?" - this is about Rihanna's increasing frustration at how incredibly senile her grandmother has become.

"Don't stop the music" - this is an ode to the Leeds band The Music, who had brief success in the 00s. Rihanna wishes they didn't stop.

"Disturbia" - This is about that shitty film starring Shia LaBeouf.

"Pon de Replay" - Should actually read "pond ere play", in which Rihanna encourages people to play in ponds, a view not really shared by anybody with an ounce of reason. Not to be confused for "ponder EP lay", which would indicate Rihanna giving serious thought to having sex with an extended play album.

"Make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world" - She wants her boyfriend to kill every other female on Earth.

"Russian Roulette" - is not about the actual game of Russian roulette, as famously depicted in The Deer Hunter, but is actually about people playing an innocent card game in St Petersburg.

"Shut up and drive" - a song about a game of golf gone awry when the people in front of her won't stop talking in lieu of hitting the ball.

"Take a bow" - about a theft at an archery centre.

"We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky" - this is about an experience she had staring into a mirror for several hours after taking a large dose of LSD

"Umbrella" - this was written because she couldn't think of any words that rhyme with "parasol".

So the next time you dismiss Rihanna's music, just think about the depth of some of her lyrics. Then laugh at her ridiculous tattoos. Jesus, they are horrible.

Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #8

This week, the legend that is Trevor Murdoch.

Absolute sex beast.

My first live football match analysis blog: Swansea vs St Gallen

Yes, its the game you've all been waiting for, Swansea vs St Gallen, a team from Switzerland, in the Europa League. Prepare for some in-depth match analysis.

2 mins - Nothing happening so far. People chucking flares about.

3 mins - Michu shoots for Swansea. Saved.

4 mins - Swansea corner. Michu heads over. Whenever a commentator shouts his name, I feel like saying "Gesundheit!"

6 mins - Michu almost gets through. Already bored of typing his name.

7 mins - Swiss fans chanting in Swiss, I think.

8 mins - Michu misses from a tight angle. SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A SHOT!

9 mins - St Gallen have a corner. They fuck it.

10 mins - Swansea's other striker Bony is just caught offside. Its pronounced "bonny".

11 mins - A St Gallen player blazes a shot over. You don't care what his name is...

12 mins - Another St Gallen player fires over. Inaccuracy is rife.

13 mins - Swiss fans still giving it Swiss...St Gallen win a penalty! Tiendalli with a casual handball.

14 mins - Shocking pen, the keeper easily saves it. St Gallen will be rolling in his grave - I assume he existed and is now dead.

14 mins - Michu shoots wide...again.

16 mins - A St Gallen player shoots wide after being put clean through. Work on your finishing lads, its outrageous.

18 mins - St Gallen win another corner...it turns out to be woeful.

20 mins - Swansea's De Guzman with an utterly shit cross.

20 mins - Tremmel, the Swansea keeper, absolutely clouts a St Gallen player while going for a punch, the same dude that missed the penalty. Bad day at the office.

22 mins - Swansea win a free kick in a promising position - and they almost score! The ball hits the post and pinballs around but is cleared. An exciting moment, huzzah!

24 mins - Swansea with some pressure but Pozuelo has a shot blocked. I'll be honest, I have no idea who Pozuelo is.

26 mins - A St Gallen player shoots wide, shockingly enough. The Swansea fans wanted a penalty shortly before after some dude boots Michu in the face. Claret all over the gaff.

28 mins - St Gallen win another corner, Michu still bleeding. The keeper punches it away, then a St Gallen player does a fucking terrible cross. Absolute lack of tekkers all around in this one.

30 mins - Michu still off the pitch, savage blood loss. Meanwhile on the pitch...nothing is happening.

31 mins - A 4th corner for St Gallen, hopefully this will be a different corner (George Michael). No surprises though, its another bad one.

32 mins - Michu still not back on. He's had to change his shirt twice.

33 mins - ST GALLEN HAVE A SHOT ON TARGET! REJOICE! The keeper makes a mess of it, but gets away with it.

34 mins - After almost 10 minutes, Michu is back on. For some reason he is booked for this. I don't know.

37 mins - Tedium. Apparently Michu wasn't booked after all, a bit like Dennis Stamp #obscuregag

39 mins - A St Gallen player shoots. Guess where it goes.

41 mins - Michu has a shot blocked. Then St Gallen break and win another corner. It is easily dealt with.

44 mins - Crowd amazingly still awake and singing. Bony skews a shot wide.

45 mins - Pozuelo shoots over. Nobody bought their boots to this one. Well they did actually bring them, but...in a metaphorical sense. Or something, whatever.

HALF TIME IS HERE! MERCY IS UPON US!

Michu appears to have a huge glob of Vaseline on his scalp. Second half, hooooooooo!

46 mins - The guy who missed the penalty has been taken off. That can't feel good.

46 mins - Swansea win an early corner. It comes to absolutely fuck all.

48 mins - Apparently the guy taken off was concussed. That is one bad night for the poor sod.

49 mins - Tiendalli also having a bit of a shocker, he massively skee-whiffs a clearance. Is that how you spell it?

51 mins - SWANSEA GOAL! Routledge, who has done nothing so far, pokes it in from about a yard out. 1-0.

53 mins - Regardless, the Swiss fans continue to chant, presumably about skiing and neutrality.

54 mins - Yet another corner for the Swiss team. And yes, it goes nowhere.

56 mins - Michu almost gets in but is well tackled. Corner for Swansea now, it leads to a shot straight at the goalie.

59 mins - Sweet fanny all going on now.

60 mins - Some St Gallen dude has a wild shot that goes over. For Swansea, Nathan Dyer is on for Routledge, who only did one thing in this match.

63 mins - Swansea have a free kick. De Guzman swings it in, and its cleared for a corner. I'd like one decent corner tonight. This one leads to defender Chico trying an overhead kick and resembling a bell-end in doing so.

64 mins - St Gallen have a player called Roberto Rodriguez. He's one of my favourite directors.

65 mins - St Gallen nearly score out of nowhere. But they don't.

68 mins - Another lull. Scratch my balls vigorously.

69 mins - Swansea bring on Vazquez for Bony, in case you cared. I doubt it.

70 mins - Vazquez almost scores instantly, but curls one just wide. I know fuck all about Vazquez either, sorry. I think he's Mexican or Spanish or something weird.

72 mins - Michu changes his shirt again. The physio applies more lube to his scalp. Kinky.

75 mins - Now a St Gallen player tries an overhead kick and wanks it up.

76 mins - Ben Davies booked for Swansea. St Gallen with a promising set piece...straight at the keeper. My word.

77 mins - Bit of aggro between some players now. Dyer booked for Swansea, as well as the St Gallen player who fouled him. Maybe a vicious punch-up will salvage this.

78 mins - Dyer nearly scores with a volley, it is well saved. This is more like it.

80 mins - Few more blocked efforts from Swansea. Speaking of blocked, I really need a shit.

80 mins - Out of sheer liquid nothingness, St Gallen hit the post! One of their players with a rasping drive from distance. This is much better.

82 mins - Jonjo "Wildcard" Shelvey on for Pozuelo.

84 mins - A St Gallen player with one of the worst attempts at a long ball ever. Regression, it was okay for a couple of minutes there.

86 mins - The Swiss fans still want it, bless 'em. Not much going on.

88 mins - St Gallen come very close to scoring, some sloppy play from Swansea there. Swansea veteran Leon Britton has cramp, because he's well old. They even bring on a stretcher for him, that's how ancient this bastard is.

90 mins - Into injury time. St Gallen pressure has ended.

90 mins - Some random old bint is in the crowd. Must be Leon Britton's wife.

90 mins - A St Gallen player falls over in the rain. On that note, the final whistle goes. Swansea win 1-0, and I question how I spend my time.

Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #7...on a Tuesday

Yeah, I wasn't able to do a Monday Night RAW post yesterday, so to make up for it here are two random ass tag teams from late 90s WCW:

The first is High Voltage, comprised of Robbie Rage and Kenny Kaos. I don't think they ever won a match, but their theme music did go "Danger! High Voltage" years before Electric Six came along.

The other team is the legendary Men At Work, which consisted of Chris Kanyon and Mark Starr. You can tell by their hard hats and hammer, they clearly are men at work. Sadly they never sang "Down Under" at any point. Even sadder still, both guys are decased now, but not a day goes by that I don't fondly recall their exploits.

'Tis the season to be bored of Shane MacGowan

I've started hearing Christmas songs already. Aren't people bored of "Fairytale of New York" yet? Don't get me wrong, I used to like it as much as the next person, but after 25 years I just don't want to hear about maggots, bells and drunk tanks anymore.

I also don't want to hear Mariah demanding to have me for Christmas.

I am sick of Noddy telling me to look to the future. I have, and it consists of hearing Slade constantly for 4 months of every year until I die.

I've had enough of Roy Wood's desire to have Christmas everyday, which frankly would leave the economy in an even worse state than it already is.

I don't care if Paul McCartney is having a wonderful Christmas time.

No Cliff, I don't want misteltoe or wine. Christmas isn't just about snogging and getting pissed, you rambunctious old bugger.

Did the Waitresses have any other songs?

No Chrissie, I won't drive 25 miles. I can't drive anyway, and fuck walking that far.

No Shakin' Stevens, tis not the season for love or understanding.

Bono, I wish it was them instead of me quite frankly. Then they would be forced to hear that stupid song every year. By the way, I'm almost certain they do know its Christmas.

Elton, how the hell does someone step into Christmas?

I'm pretty sure the cavalry has stopped by now, Jona.

I physically cannot rock around a Christmas tree.

Dean, don't let it snow, its a massive nuisance.

And I fucking hate The Darkness.

Stupid Christmas songs. You could write one and make an absolute fortune out of it. I might give it a go, I could use the money. Then I'd be sick of hearing myself every year. It'd be worth it. Stay tuned.

TV show ideas

I had some today during a lull at work.

1. BREAKING BADGER - A spin-off of the classic kids TV series "Bodger & Badger". This show focuses on an older but not so much wiser Badger, whose life spiraled into decadence and eventual depression following the end of the show. He has lost all of his fortune, and discovers he is dying of "lack of lung" disease. In order to make some money to leave his friend Mousey, who stuck by him through all the dark times, he decides to rope in his old friend Simon Bodger, who has spent the last few months hiding from Operation Yewtree and protesting his innocence despite nobody accusing him of paedophilia, to open up a "mash lab", where they would make very hallucinogenic mashed potatoes to sell to various drug cartels in and around the Hull area. Bodger has to keep the mash lab a secret from his long-suffering wife, who we never see in the show but sometimes hear her say "Simon, you fucking reek of spuds, now tend to my needs!". Badger soon gets deep into the seedy mash underworld, until eventually he dies due to lack of lungs, whereby the series would abruptly end.

2. WHERE'S ME JUMPER? - A series based on the classic song by little known early 90s Irish band Sultans of Ping FC. A man goes to a disco and loses his jumper. Hilarity ensues.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-dl9KTYAVk

3. SIX OLD LADIES SIT AROUND A TABLE - Speaks for itself. They don't even have any dialogue, they literally just sit there wasting away.

4. MY BIG FAT GYPSY WIFE - A very intelligent but weak-willed and mild-mannered man marries into a gypsy family all too hastily, and spends the entire series lamenting about it. His wife sits around demanding he lavish her with expensive gifts, while he plots elaborate ways to either kill her, kill himself or kill their 28 illegitimate children.

5. TOP OF THE COPS - A weekly show where police officers take time out of their busy schedule to sing karaoke in front of an audience paid to be there. The show starts with 12 and is whittled down to one lucky winner, who will get the opportunity to perform at the annual Policeman's Ball. Hosted by Fearne Cotton, Reggie Yates, Dermot O'Leary, Ross Kemp, Alesha Dixon, Vernon Kay, Keith Lemon, Phillip Schofield, Anna Ryder Richardson, Ed Tudor-Pole and Steve Lamacq.

6. 30 SECONDS TO LARS - Sort of a live-action version of "Where's Wally", in which the contestant only has half a minute to spot Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich among a very large group of people.

7. THE DEVIL NEXT DOOR - A typical suburban family is shocked to their core when Beelzebub himself moves in next door. However they are even more shocked when it turns out that the Devil is not actually the embodiment of all that is evil, but is in fact a highly regarded chiropractor from Surbiton.

8. SOAP OPERA - A live weekly televised serial in which opera singers perform self-written songs about soap.

Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #6

This week, let's look at a wrestler from the more recent past.

KIZARNY!

In late 2008, the WWE ran a series of introductory vignettes for this bloke. He was a carnival worker who had loads of tattoos and spoke like Snoop Dogg, although it was meant to be carny. Anyway, these vignettes went on for so long that eventually people lost interest. Then he finally turned up, had one match, and promptly fucked off. Kizarny, we hardly knew ye. Or kn-izew ye.

I Am King Haiku Vol 4

Yay, Jose is back!
Chelsea lose two in a row
Roman phones Rafa.

My first big celebrity interview

No doubt you've all seen the above image in recent times, its been all over different forms of media and has pretty much been a major talking point. In case you live under a rock (in which case, how the hell are you reading this), it is in fact former Disney Channel stalwart turned Dolph Lundgren-haircutted hussy Miley Cyrus, nakedly straddling a wrecking ball for her new music video. Now a lot of furore has been made over Miley's controversial antics - its difficult to avoid hearing her name at the moment - but nobody has really taken the time to think about how the wrecking ball feels....


UNTIL NOW! That's right, I've managed to procure an exclusive interview with arguably the most famous wrecking ball in the world, and this is the first time you'll get to read how it has reacted to the whole ordeal.

Hello, wrecking ball. How are things?

Yeah, not too bad considering.

Let's get straight to the nitty-gritty. This is undeniably a big deal. How have you adjusted to the sudden fame this video has afforded you?

Well I can't lie to you, it has been a little strange. One day you're just idly swinging and occasionally demolishing buildings, and the next you see yourself splashed over every news outlet in the world. It still hasn't really sunk in to be honest.

How exactly has your life changed as a result?

Its been difficult for me to just get on with my job unfortunately. All the time I have tourists taking pictures of me, teenagers and young adults climbing onto me and re-creating Miley's poses - strange old men occasionally smell or lick me...I guess it has to come with the territory, but its really affecting my day to day life.

How did you come to be involved with this video? 

I had heard through the grapevine that Miss Cyrus had been looking to feature some kind of industrial machinery in her next video, and her people sent out scouts for locations and possible machines that they could use. I remember seeing them snooping around, but never thought twice about it. Then one day out of the blue, Miss Cyrus and her entourage show up, and I got chosen. Nobody even did a test run or anything, she just hopped on and went for it. I was a little concerned, if she had fallen off she was susceptible to a number of bruises or skin grafts, or possibly worse. Thankfully she didn't though, she must've done a lot of straddling beforehand.

Were you aware of the Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana phenomenon?

A little. I'd never seen the TV show or anything, but "Hoedown Throwdown" is an absolute tune.

Is it true there are talks for a biopic of your life to be made?

I've not heard anything. To be frank, that movie would be awful. Its not like I've led a particularly exciting life up to this point.

I guess all the other wrecking balls are jealous of you, eh?

Not really actually. Miley Cyrus is utterly riddled with disease. I wish somebody had given me a heads up. 

Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. So, what does the future hold for you?

A lot of disinfectant.

Lastly, any words for your ever-expanding fanbase out there?

Never take your work for granted. Also if anyone needs anything demolished, I'm still available. 

Thanks.

No worries. Oh shit, here comes another weird old man.

There you have it. A refreshingly honest interview from an object that is forever etched into popular culture. Godspeed, wrecking ball.

Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #5

This week, we look to late 90s WCW with this dude:

Yes, its the unforgettable Super Calo. This guy was a Mexican luchador who achieved absolutely no success in WCW at all, but is one of the few wrestlers to wear sunglasses during his matches. He also had a glam rock/Phantom Of The Opera hybrid style mask. Plus, what a nice signature.

10 Things I Could've Done Instead Of Watching England vs Ukraine

01. Made a contribution to charity.
02. Played "Crash Bandicoot" 1, 2 & 3.
03. Drafted a strongly worded letter to the council about the number of suspicious vehicles that keep parking up near our flat, but nobody seems to ever get out.
04. Gone for a run, preferably avoiding said suspicious vehicles.
05. Written a series of short stories about a courageous blind detective who is terrible at his job.
06. Paint a wall.
07. Watch the paint dry.
08. Repainted the wall again.
09. Studied the history of Ukraine.
10. Slept.

What an awful match. Roy Hodgson shows about as much passion as someone who's been forced to watch every Shia Lebeouf film in succession. And he still looks like an owl with a cork jammed up its arse.

Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #4

This week, its TL Hopper.

This bloke was a wrestling plumber. He used a toilet plunger as a weapon. It seems too easy to make a joke about him being "the shits" but...yeah, he really was.

Joe's Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #3

In order to celebrate the glorious return of my Monday Night RAW, here's possibly the worst wrestling character ever. It was a dude who actually thought he was a rooster, and made puns about not being "half-cocked" and such. Needless to say, he didn't have a very good career.

I Am King Haiku Vol 3

In honour of having been in the flat for a month, here's a haiku about it.

We've been here a month
Time flies when you're having fun
This was a slow month

I finally have Internet access blog

               That's right, you can all sleep a little sounder now, because we finally have broadband in the new flat, thus I can blog to my heart's content. I wish I could say a lot has happened in the last 3 weeks, but that's really not the case, at least personally. Although from watching the news and current affairs and all that, the only observation I feel compelled to make is that Ban Ki Moon sounds like the name of an Asian porn star, and also that Dick Van Dyke's car blew up, which was hilarious. Luckily he didn't die, otherwise it would have only been mildly funny.

                 I have also been working the night shift this week, because daytime pimping just isn't a lucrative business. I have also rediscovered my love of Tony Hawk games, as well as Super Noodles. I feel like a student again, except this time I'm not getting hammered every night and pissing out of the window. Which still could happen, to be fair.

Until next time, be good to yourselves and fuck everyone else.
Joe Ward
@wardylovesit

More general life musings

Hi there,

Busy times at the minute. I'm starting a new job tomorrow, and then moving into a new place through the week. Luckily both new job and new flat are in close proximity to each other, so hopefully the burden of public transport shall not rear it's ugly head. Its an exciting new chapter in the tome that is my life, and I'm almost certain that living in London won't turn me into a trendy douchebag type, as opposed to the scruffy and not very presentable douchebag type I already am.

Had a good week just gone too. Had a little gig on Wednesday in which I sang a song I wrote  several years ago to a room full of confused and I like to think morbidly aroused people, before being confronted by a strange old drunkard outside, who was telling people he wanted to fix them; like a sort of hobo version of Chris Martin, but still more likeable. I am going to endeavour to start doing at least a couple of gigs a week, because it really is cracking good fun and I wish I'd started doing it a lot sooner. Plus, people being complimentary to me massages my ego right good, while the soothing tones of Marvin Gaye play in my head.

Tim Burchell's annual house party was on Friday, as usual lot of fun and a chance to catch up with a few people I haven't seen in a while. The only negative is that my hangovers seem to get worse as I get older, and I also have strange Vietnam-style flashbacks. Full Beer Jacket, you might say. Thanks, that is a good gag.

Saw Charlton lose to Bournemouth yesterday, which was upsetting but nonetheless it was a fun day out, and for some reason it's the third time I have been to Bournemouth's ground. They have now finally built a fourth stand, so good for them. Yann Kermorgant, aka the Kermorgantelope, scored an absolute blinder too which was nice. Still, I've got faith in Charlton to have another good season in the Championship, while Chelsea of course cruise to every major trophy. Mourinho always delivers.

So yeah, just a snippet of my life there, it's very James Bond-esque, I'm sure you'll agree. Also, Mugabe won a 7th term as president of Zimbabwe this week. The fucker is 89 years old, he can barely run without shitting uncontrollably, let alone run a country. It's backwards. E ba gum.

Love, peace and standing in the crease,
Joe Ward
@wardylovesit

Scouting For Girls musings

   It has been recently bought to my attention (thanks to Emma Rand on Twitter) that Scouting For Girls are about to release a 'Greatest Hits' compilation. Aside from playing it very fast and very loose with the word 'greatest', surely a band has to have more than about 3 hit singles before they can release such a compilation? Literally, I can name three of their songs off the top of my head, and all of them sound exactly alike. I'd go as far as to say that as soon as most people play this CD, they will think its broken because every song will sound the fucking same.

"Its not about yoooooou, its me"
"She's so lovely, she's so lover-ly"
"This ain't a love song, this is goodbye"

All interchangeable songs, from a band so bland and happy-go-lucky they make Keane sound like Slayer, plus they've only been around for 5 years. This would be like if there was a box set of Jaden Smith films, or if the Royal Baby wrote an autobiography.

Apparently its being advertised as "the soundtrack to the summer". Why do seasons need soundtracks? Vivaldi pretty much covered all the bases, nobody else needs to bother. Plus, you never hear "the anthems for your autumn", or the "compilation for this cold snap" - no, its only in the summer we need to have a musical accompaniment at all times. Well, Christmas too I suppose.

Anyway, I don't know enough about Scouting For Girls to keep ranting about them. All I know is they'd go up 36 times in my estimation if they were called Hunting For Bitches.

I guess I got, I guess I got, I guess I got nuthin' to saaaaaa-aaaaaayyyy.
Joe Ward
@wardylovesit

Joe's Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler) #2

Today's random wrestler is Max Moon.

Look at this fool. He was supposed to be from outer space or something. He even had a jet pack. He was shit.

I Am King Haiku, Vol 2

This is for Jim Lang.

French Republic done
All thanks to Yann Kermorgant
Now he claims he's king

I Am King Haiku, Volume 1

Hello.

                    I've decided I am going to start writing haikus. If anybody has a subject they want me to write one about, please let me know. One day I hope to have a giant anthology full of them,which people can peruse at their leisure and glean a lifetime of enjoyment from. I'm gonna get the ball rolling with a tribute haiku about late Countdown host Richard Whiteley.


Twice nightly, old Rich
Made them jokes for old people
Now Earth is laugh free.


There we go. As I say, if there are any other topics you want me to haiku about, I will be more than happy to do so. It can be literally anything.

Joe Ward
@wardylovesit

Joe's Monday Night RAW (Random Ass Wrestler)

#1: The Berzerker

Look at him. Brilliant.

Last Minute Gig Musings

            So yesterday I got an e-mail at about 4pm from the Up The Creek comedy club in Greenwich, asking if I was available to fill in for somebody who had pulled out earlier in the day. Holy shitballs. First of all, very famous comedians have played that place, and secondly, I had hardly any time to prepare as well as shave and wash myself, because appearance is important in society. News to me.

             I scrambled about for a bit there, asking as many people as possible if they didn't mind abandoning all their plans for the evening and coming to see me talk for 5 minutes. I also worried about what to wear, bearing in mind it is ungodly hot at the moment. I did flirt briefly with the idea of wearing flip-flops, but thought better of it, as they would probably have made an annoying squelching sound as I walked on the stage. In the end I wore a T-shirt and shorts, nothing too outlandish. I also thought about possibly debuting some new material I've been working on, because I have another gig lined up for 2 weeks time, but instead decided to do the same routine from the first, only tweaked slightly. This once again entitled me writing two seperate poems onto two seperate pieces of lined A4 paper, something I should probably do something about. As comedy props go, they are weak at best. I'm certainly no Carrot Top.

             Took the train to the venue, had a couple of pre-game ciders which I ended up drinking very quickly, due to a combination of being ridiculously parched, somewhat nervous and a borderline alcoholic. My good friends, who I will name here: Tim Burchell, Benjamin Burchell, Chazz Pulbrook and Andy Eggleden, came to meet me because they are really really great friends losers. Just kidding guys, I love you all. Plus my sister and dad came down, they sat right in front of the stage so I tried to avoid eye contact with them while on stage, because I would've been embarrassed that I was saying the f-word in front of them both, seeing as I was still relatively sober. Anyone who couldn't turn up at very short notice due to having other plans or being at work, I'll forgive you eventually. Its gonna take some time though.

              Gig came and went. People laughed and even clapped at one point, which gave me a brief ego boost until I nearly slipped while leaning on the mic stand. Luckily for me I went on third out of the 12 acts that performed, so at least I got it out of the way early enough. I was a little rattled when I first arrived, because they told me if I went over 5 minutes the lights would flash and I'd need to wrap up quick, or possibly be lynched. They never actually said that last part, that's just my assumption. Also the compere looked like he'd kicked a few heads in back in the 70s, which didn't help.

             The gig was split into two halves, 6 comics on each. Pretty much everyone else was really fucking good, with really well crafted routines and some excellent one-liners, it was actually really inspiring to me. I could never have anticipated I would get the chance to perform at somewhere as established as Up The Creek on only my second gig, and am thoroughly grateful for the chance to have done so. Hopefully I'll play there a lot more in the future, that would be lovely. Hopefully some sort of plague wipes out other comedians that have already booked slots there so the opportunity will arise again. That would also be lovely.

Vaya con dios, you mothers.

Joe
@wardylovesit

Apprentice Finale Thoughts

                      So, another season of the Apprentice is over. Lord Alan Sugar has taken another poor Padawan under his wing, and no doubt their working relationship will be over within a year, because the BBC commissioned another season. Then Sugar will deny all knowledge of ever having gone into business with the previous year's winner, claiming they are all a figment of our imaginations, and that really he was just sitting in a boardroom talking to himself for 12 weeks because he finds it comforting. Soon enough we'll just see him in a rocking chair, drinking Dandelion & Burdock wearing Dexy's Midnight Runner-esque dungarees, screaming at the wall opposite him that they don't respond well to criticism and that their business model is a bloody shambles.

                      I never watch the Apprentice normally. The papers made a big furore over this season claiming that they only roped in this batch of candidates because they were all young and good looking. Now I admit I'm not a particularly attractive man, but then again my genetics dictated that I would be burdened with a massive cranium and fuck all hairline from a very tender age. Nobody would ever look at me and think "that is one hot piece", and if they did I would question their sanity, but not to their face because I might be onto a winner. Anyway, having now seen this crop of "young, attractive" people, I have to somewhat disagree with the tabloid press on this matter.

                     Leah, the young lady who won the series (its not a spolier, its already aired), basically looks like a dead-eyed puppet. Very intelligent woman, will no doubt succeed in the business world and good on her, but she looks like Kermit and Barbie's lab-created offspring. Whereas Luisa, the runner-up (its not a spoiler, its already aired) is fundamentally pretty, but has a constant look of bewilderment on her face, like she's about to get hit by a slow moving vehicle but isn't sure what action to take. Then there's the Welsh bloke who's name I forget, who had inexplicable eyebrows which seemed to take up three quarters of his face. Another girl with a name I can't spell looked a bit like a spray tanned Pumbaa, and the nervous posh guy looked like he'd recently been imprisoned for rampant buggery. Again, I am hardly one to be judging people based on looks, seeing as I look like Iain Dowie crossed with a ginger martian, but when I'm promised attractive and it doesn't deliver, it gets my goat.

                     Then there's Karen Brady and Nick Hewer, who are kind of like the Be-Bop and Rocksteady to Sugar's Shredder. That's my comparison, I'm sticking to it. Anyway their main purpose on the show appears to be solely to react disapprovingly to anything anybody says at any time, always straight to the camera, and then at the end they offer one line of feedback each, usually something obvious like "It didn't go so well for you today, you failed to sell any carpet cleaner and you murdered a family of 5". Hewer is especially good at the "fart in a car" look, its patently obvious that to him all these people are the scum of the earth and if he had it his way he would have them all killed. Brady's hatred is not so blatant, but you can tell she is trying not to come across as being too nice.

                     Anyway, the final wasn't as compelling as I'd hoped. Leah's business was something to do with cosmetic surgery, which seems apt, and Luisa's involved selling cakes. I'd have preferred something a bit more niche, like doorknobs or orthopedic shoes, but there we go. They both had to come up with a corporate video, and then do a presentation to a bunch of 'industry experts', none of who are named but all of whom are also good at conveying underwhelment...which isn't a word but fuck it. Both of them did a decent job, as they got to boss around all the losers who were fired by Sugar. They must have felt like right bell-ends, kowtowing to someone who had shown better business nous than them. The sense of resentment must've been palpable, but of course they had to be professional and listen to Leah barking orders at them, like "Shut up now, just film me talking". Of course Brady and Hewer disapproved of everything.

                    They both made speeches and came across well, although Leah's was preceded by a ribbon dance, performed by another girl who had been fired earlier in the season, presumably just for Leah's sick amusement. The 'experts' gave their criticisms, but it seemed like they felt forced to be mostly positive about them - one woman looked like she was about to vomit vitriol all over the place, but held back because vomiting on TV in front of millions would make her look stupid.

                   Before I go on, is Sugar's receptionist hideously ugly or something? Why not just show her? It comes across like the desk is manned by one robotic arm that occasionally picks up the phone whenever Sugar wants people to come into the boardroom. Do they receive any other calls, about mis-sold PPI or young kids asking for "Mike Hunt"? Anyway, they all went into the boardroom, Sugar rambled for ages but this time resisted the urge to many any puns, like "What you just said was utter Botox" or something. I know, that was very good, thanks. He gave them backhanded compliments like "You were an unreasonable bastard when you first came here, and now you're just a bastard", and eventually he said Leah was the winner because she actually had a specific goal, or he was scared she would sing "Rainbow Connection". Either way, she got in a taxi looking all smug, and for all I know she was never seen again.

                  I can't wait for Sugar to go full on senile. He's 66, its bound to happen soon. Until then, there's always Bruce Forsyth. Bye!

             

My Bucket List

KFC Bargain.

Random Musings #1

                               Hello, my name is Joe Ward and this is a blog I have started because all the cool kids are blogging nowadays. I have no specific subject that I want to blog about, but sometimes thoughts just occur to me and now instead of blurting them out to confused and often horrified strangers on the street, I can use this as a medium to do so, plus I don't have to leave my home which is always a bonus.

                               I guess one purpose of this blog is to try to raise awareness of my new foray into stand up comedy. For several years people have told me "You're quite funny, you should do stand up comedy", to which I just sort of chuckled bashfully and then carried on drinking irresponsibly. The main reason I put off doing it for so long is that I never really knew what I would do for a routine, plus my only experiences of performing in front of people include portraying that kid who gets shot with a cream pie gun at the start of "Bugsy Malone" for our Year 6 play, and also playing the drums really badly to a room of about 20 people, most of whom were so appalled by the noise that they had to either leave or try to stick needles through their ears. We did do a mean cover of "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne though. What's happened to her anyway, is she still afraid that the shame of marrying the singer of Nickelback would negatively affect her career forevermore? The fact he probably serenades her on a nightly basis with a rendition of "hey hey I wanna be a rock star" is probably enough to ensure that Avril has questioned not only her sanity, but also how she has chosen to live her life in general.

                                Anyway, I digress. I think essentially I was too nervous to even attempt it, because its one thing to be funny in conversation with people you know, its quite other to be funny in front of a room full of people, most of whom you wouldn't know, who are expecting to be sufficiently amused. Eventually though, after about the 86th conversation with a friend in which I expressed a desire to try it but didn't have the balls, I finally decided enough was enough, and that I would finally give it a go, with or without my balls. I wrote on Facebook that I would do it before the end of 2013, and enough people 'liked' it (because its important to me that I be liked) to convince me it would be a worthwhile endeavour.

                              The gig came about sooner than I expected - after e-mailing a few venues about doing an open mic slot, I was offered the opportunity to do one just under a fortnight away. My approach to writing jokes and general material was somewhat slack, basically I bought a cheap notepad and jotted down bullet points, in the hope that I could blag the rest of it. I did a lot of reading about the open mic circuit; mainly articles by people with a vast amount of experience in it, so as to ensure I didn't go in with unrealistic expectations, such as hoping I would get floods of offers and insane amounts of money thrown at me off the back of one gig. Not that I ever really did expect such a thing to happen, but having ludicrous dreams frequently occupies my otherwise mundane days. One time I dreamt that I was floating around space in a giant apple, think Roald Dahl meets Gene Roddenberry only they are both drunk and have written the most nonsensical story ever together.

                               So anyway the gig came and went. It was supposed to be a 5 minute slot but even though it flew by for me, it seems I went a little bit over. The problem was that the room, which was the size of the average airing cupboard, was so ungodly sweltering that even if people were becoming restless, I wouldn't have known because sweat was dripping into my eyes. So I persevered with overly salty retinas, and crammed as much stuff in as I could. Thankfully I had a fair few friends and family that came to see me, the poor sods, that I never felt particularly nervous about doing the gig, my only worry was that I'd trip over the microphone wire or go blind there and then, but neither happened which is always a bonus. The venue was the Shaker & Co cocktail bar near Warren Street, and its a place I'll always remember as being the venue for my first glorious triumph. When you get feedback such as "You were surprisingly articulate" and "I thought you'd be shit but it was actually alright", then I feel glorious is the appropriate word. Bolstered by such high praise, I knew I should carry on doing it.

                               My second gig will be on the 31st July at Rudy 's Revenge bar in High Holborn, and I am actually looking forward to it. I just hope I get the chance to perform frequently enough that I can really shape my material into a solid 5-10 minutes, so I can avoid improvisation as much as possible, unless something I think is funny pops into my brain. This will probably happen more often than I or anyone else would like. Anyway, I've text rambled for long enough. I'll be more concise next time.

Thanks, bye bye.