After reviewing the surprisingly enjoyable "Grabbers", here's another recent film I had never heard of before but had a ridiculous title I just couldn't ignore. Yes folks, here's my in depth analysis of...
GANGSTERS, GUNS AND ZOMBIES (2012)
- The film opens with a van driving down the motorway, we hear a voiceover say "Bank robberies are not as cool as they look in the movies", and a title screen which says "the getaway". The guy driving the van is called Q, and he is accompanied by Tony. We find out Tony's best mate's son is a bloke named Danny, and he was apparently shot in the robbery. The van nearly hits a group of people, and they are on their way to the safehouse - straight outta "Reservoir Dogs" so far.
- The gang also includes a bloke called Pat, who is "bank robbery middle management" according to Q. Danny is in the van with them, as well as someone called Muscles, a big guy with a raspy voice. Danny claims he is okay, and then we get ANOTHER character called Steve, who moans about maybe getting blood on his shoes. They say he is crazy.
- Q stops the van as a large crowd rushes by, they appear to be the zombies. They hear a siren in the distance and decide it isn't for them, which it isn't. A zombie attacks the van as Q punches an address into the sat nav, they ignore it for a while until Tony winds the window down and whistles at it, before shooting it in the head. Then a random woman appears and pleads for them to let her in the van - she is bitten by another zombie however. Tony casually shoots them both and Steve stomps on them, claiming he is helping. Then he realises he now does have blood on his shoes and calls them "cunts".
- Now a group of zombies are all over the van but they drive away, then we get the title sequence complete with news reporters, black and white footage of them fleeing the scene of the crime, and an old man attacking a zombie with a plank of wood. We see CCTV footage of zombies fighting over which bodies to eat, and a SWAT guy being eaten by a dead colleague.
- "the hospital" bit. They drag Danny out of the van but Q stays in there. He locks the doors but creepy music starts playing. He looks at his phone but it is dead, then a female zombie appears, covered in blood and snarling. The gangsters bring Danny back to the van as a zombie doctor chases them. Muscles batters a few zombies, even giving one a chokeslam before shooting it.
- "the safehouse" bit. They are on their way there as Danny continues whingeing. Tony tries to tune the radio and we hear a debate about zombies, with a reverend calling it a "man made problem". Q makes a joke about footballers being "dead on their feet" as they speed towards the safehouse. They go past a police woman desperately trying to radio for help before being attacked.
- The gang argues as it turns out Q just started working with them. We hilariously see a bride trying to eat a groom before he punches her and stabs her with an umbrella. The bridesmaids then attack and kill him. Tony then reveals there is ANOTHER safehouse, how handy. It also turns out it is a long way away, near the coast. So the climax will clearly take place there then.
- Meanwhile, a woman is attacked by zombie clowns. These "funny" random killings are already getting tired. Pat wants them to go to another hospital, but Danny reassures them he will make it. A naked zombie chases the van. We get the same "remove the head" style speech we heard in "Shaun of the Dead" during the radio debate, and then they go off air. There is a huge pile up on the motorway, to which Q says "that's gonna slow us down".
- "the other safehouse" bit. It is now broad daylight, Danny is still crying in pain. They haven't seen a car in 3 hours apparently, they blame it on the countryside. Muscles threatens to kill Steve, who still wants to hear about football scores. Another random dude is attacked. Pat reveals that Danny is dead, which elicits profanity from everyone. Steve wants to chuck him out of the van, an idea everyone else rejects. Everyone seems to get over the death very quickly.
- The smell of the dead body overwhelms everyone, and it turns out he has pissed himself in death. Steve wants to bury him, and Tony agrees. Nobody else likes the plan. We have been stuck in this van with these characters for what feels like fucking ages - Q then argues they should keep driving instead of venturing into the woods...then we get.
- "the woods" bit. BA-DUM-TSHHHH! They carry Danny through the woods until Tony picks a spot to bury him in. We get a meaningless flashback as Tony walks through a field or something, then we come back to the gang trying to close Danny's mouth so he won't swallow any dirt. They don't succeed as Tony makes a beautiful speech, it turns out Danny's dad is dead, he is a "fuck up" and couldn't shoot a gun straight. The lads all say "Amen", then a guy in a Hazmat suit runs through the wood nearby, followed by more people in wacky medieval style costumes. Steve calls one of them a "fat tin can cunt", so he goes after them until Tony shoots him.
- DANNY IS A ZOMBIE NOW! He goes after Muscles but they all dogpile him and hold him down. Tony decides he can't shoot Danny in the head, but eventually he does. The costumed zombies all attack now, Tony's gun is out of ammo but the lands punch and stomp their way out. We get sweeping violin music as they all stamp on a zombie, ha ha.
- Back in the van. Steve says that was "fucking brilliant" and they wonder how the hazmat guy got on. They are running out of petrol so they plan to stop for fuel. Pat asks why Danny came back as a zombie when he was only shot to death, nobody can really explain why. Q's phone has no service, and Muscles didn't know you could get the Internet on a phone. Steve discovers a big wound on his arm but hides it from the others.
- This is some slow going here. The hazmat guy runs into a tree as they drive past. They all stop and get out, we see a sign saying "No Fuel All Dead". Steve finds a toilet but the lights in there are flickering. He starts violently coughing and spews up. His eyes begin to bleed and he keeps coughing up blood. Meanwhile the rest of the lads discover a football and steal a truck with a quarter tank left. Tony wants to siphen the petrol from it.
- Pat goes into the toilet now and sees the blood. Q is siphening the fuel himself as Pat reports that Steve is gone and blood is everywhere. We see a zombie football team chase after them now but they all get to the van. Q hits one with a car door and Steve reappears with blood all around his eyes, he shows Q his wound. Pat asks the zombie footballers what the scores were, real solid comedy in this one. Steve slumps to the floor and Q says he has sacrificed himself. Steve is eaten by the zombie football team, to which he wildly overacts.
- Some melancholy Coldplay-style music plays as the gang looks sad in the van. They come across a remote windmill and park up. They spot another car with nobody inside, so Tony suggests they steal it. There is a nearby cottage that Tony tries to go, until an old woman emerges with a shotgun. Classic. She even swears at him, that old chestnut. She is really quite profane and suggests they go rob a post office.
- Q says they are not hear to rob her. This old woman is a horrible actress. Q says if she shoots it will attract the undead. Another woman shows up with a gun now, it must be her granddaughter. Q is black, I should've mentioned earlier, so the old woman says "shoot his black arse". The granddaughter is appalled by her nan's remarks. The young woman is holding a pillow to act as a silencer. Her name is Cassie, it turns out.
- Out of nowhere, more zombies appear and are all killed. Everyone goes into the cottage as more zombies shuffle about outside. A news reporter on TV says not to look close friends or family members in the eyes if you have to shoot them. Muscles is having a nap and snores loudly. Q and Cassie are suddenly getting along famously, she apologises to him. The reporter warns to avoid blood or brain matter, and to treat any wounds or cuts immediately. He gives 4 rules for dealing with a zombie outbreak: sever the head, have an escape route, isolate the infected and travel by day. He should release a book on the subject. Then he is killed too.
- Q and Cassie remark that this all seems too normal, and all the bad things in the world have desensitized them. Deep. He inquires if she knows why someone not bitten would come back as a zombie, in relation to Danny, but she doesn't. The rest of the gang is drinking tea made by the old lady, who is still hostile towards them. Tony promises they will leave tomorrow.
- Q and Cassie now talk about "Ghostbusters", seriously. They talk about the bit where they discuss Bible verses in the car. More zombies shuffle about outside. Pat appears and scares them, and says they have to swap watch. Mumbles snores even louder, so Pat says "shut up you walrus". Outside, one zombie appears to actually sick up a cat, which they start eating.
- Later, Mumbles promises he'll keep watch, then instantly falls asleep again. Pat and the old lady keep watch now, and Tony suggests they stop drinking coffee to avoid peaking early. Q and Cassie are in adjacent beds chatting away about the horrible things in the world again. Cassie asks him what is in their bag, he tells her it is money.
- In the night, the old lady wakes Cassie up as it appears Tony has gone. However he is downstairs stealing food and guns, until the old lady points the shotgun in his face. Q has now awoken as well. Tony says they are leaving, he has stolen their car keys. He calls Q a "soppy cunt" when he questions his behaviour, and the rest of the gang turn up as well. Tony actually tries to shoot the old lady, but again the gun isn't loaded. Cassie calls him an "evil fuck" for doing this.
- Tony tries to wrestle the shotgun away and a melee ensues. They end up going outside, and the old lady is bitten by a zombie. Tony then gets mauled and devoured by loads of them, and they manage to get into the house. The old lady tells Cassie to be strong and escape in a touching moment. He tells Q to look after her like she was his own, despite being racist towards him earlier. Q, Pat and Muscles wonder what to do.
- Cassie comes up with a plan to go round the side of the house and get the car while the old lady distracts the zombie horde. The make up on the zombies makes them look more like members of a glam rock band than the undead, but I digress - the zombies all appear to be distracted by something else, until the old lady bursts out of the room saying "Come on you motherfuckers!" Really milking the fact she swears a lot there.
- The rest of them are driving away. They suggest sailing a boat away, and Muscles reveals he knows how to sail. They talk about going to France, but Muscles would rather go to Tenerife. Cassie is upset and gets out of the car so Q goes after her. Cassie reveals the old lady shot her zombie husband before they got there, but his body was gone when she went to cover him up. Q has a crazy idea - they all stick together and trust each other. He says if this is the end of the world, there's nobody he'd rather be running away with. A tender scene between people that met the night before.
- "the plan" bit. The boys try to make a fire with sticks. Cassie uses the car lighter instead and they all share a good laugh around the fire while the apocalypse appears to be taking place. It turns out Mumbles learned how to sail from a CD-Rom. He explains the controls as Q and Cassie get close, and he cheekily suggests the two of them go on watch first. Mumbles falls asleep again, so Pat follows suit. Q and Cassie of them end up snuggling together.
- ZOMBIES! They run towards the car and one of them bites Q..but it was all a dream! Another cliche there. They then all agree to stay quiet and awake. The next day they are on their way to steal a boat and come across more undead. They are chased but Pat falls down, twisting his ankle. Q faces up to the zombies and baits them into chasing him - these are zombies that can run. He finds some kind of warehouse and fights them off with pallets.
- Q ends up in a toilet cubicle. He keeps saying "please don't learn how to open doors", then shouts "Piss off, this one's taken!". He emerges and it turns out Mumbles now has a chainsaw he is using to destroy the zombies. Pat is using a plank of wood. Q and Cassie kiss among the carnage, then we make a sudden cut to everyone on a small boat leaving the island. That was one abrupt ending. The final joke is that the zombies have learned how to swim, boom and indeed boom.
I did not enjoy this really. I can see what they were going for but the running jokes weren't particularly funny, the character of the old woman was just awful and the ending was insanely flat. Tune in tomorrow when hopefully I'll have something even worse.
No comments:
Post a Comment