So the first two films I reviewed are very recent British horror comedies, so let's change tack a bit. Let's go for some 80s American cheesiness with a film very simply entitled...
SLUGS (1987)
- This is either going to be so bad its awesome or so bad its... just plain bad. How scary can killer slugs possibly be? We see a young couple in a boat fishing, the guy moans that he felt something slimy and then falls into the water. The girl calmly tells him to "cut it out" as he flails about, but then we see the water fill with blood. Yep, that was your opening scene. The title screen reads Slugs: The Movie, in case you thought this was Slugs: The Stage Play, or Slugs: The Musical.
- This films stars nobody I have ever heard of, but this is apparently based on a novel. Bet that's some read. We see a car full of teenagers drive past an old man and yell at him. The old man's dog shows up, and he soon cheers up as he walks into a typically creepy looking house. He starts chugging whiskey and then insults his dog for no reason - we see he has an eviction notice. A vast amount of slugs appear to have entered his home, of course he is blissfully unaware of this. The old men sits down in a chair and is apparently eaten, but we aren't sure because we cut very quickly to...
- A group of people sitting in a booth at a bar. It appears to be a double date, one of the girls wants to dance but nobody else does. One couple leaves as another enters, it turns out this guy is a "county sanitation supervisor", and he explains that he basically crawls around in sewers. The woman that is leaving is a teacher, two of her students are the woman that just walked in's kids. Getting all that? Do you care?
- The departing couple is back at home, she is dressed in a sexy negligee. The husband says the smoothest of lines: "Hey teacher, whaddya say we start our homework?" and they begin making out. Slugs are crawling on their window, but then we cut to another scene. Damn, this film knows how to build that suspense.
- We are at the sheriff's office now. An officer is talking to his wife, and says "I am too busy to come home and kill a few snails", or something to that effect. The smooth guy shows up and goes for a drive with the sheriff, they trade uninteresting banter until they get to the dead old man's house. They knock on the door and then try to look through the windows. They climb in through an open one and notice the old man's corpse, apparently the slugs managed to skin him and are crawling around his skull. They then actually wheel him out in a stretcher. The dog is still alive, you'll be glad to hear, but it turns out the old man also lost his heart, kidneys and liver! Bugger me, these slugs are vicious.
- The smooth guy goes back into the house by himself - textbook. He sees a huge trail of blood on the floor, and goes down into the basement, naturally. The smell is too much so he goes back up the stairs without incident. NEXT SCENE!
- Back in the sheriff's car. The smooth guy is a health inspector as it turns out, and he reckons it was rats what did it. We then see the smooth guy at his office, and he is put onto the phone with a woman who complains about the sewers being blocked up. The smooth guy and the sanitation guy both turn up at the house at the exact same time - the woman is another miserable old hag who complains at them. The sanitation guy goes down into the sewer by himself armed with a torch. He comes across a pipe filled with...stuff I guess, including what appear to be dead fishes. Something almost takes him into the pipe, but he escapes.
- Now we are at a classroom where the teacher lady from earlier is...teaching, duh. Her nickname is the "Wicked Bitch" apparently. The smooth guy is waiting for her when she leaves. But enough of that, let's focus on the schoolkids! They all go to a diner and speculate on what killed the old man - one girl thinks it was a notorious local killer who eats his victims. These kids all have the worst fashion sense ever, jean-jackets all over the gaff. Some other kids talk about going to a Halloween party. NEXT SCENE!
- A random old couple is in their greenhouse. They spot some slug's eggs, and it seems both of them are horrendously bad actors. NEXT SCENE! Literally, that lasted about 30 seconds.
- A cheerleader (we know this because it says "cheerleader" on her varsity jacket) is alone in her house, she puts some lettuce in the sink but it seems the slugs are all over it. The girl watches TV, blissfully unaware.
- Back to the greenhouse! The old man goes back inside, and something bites him on the hand. He grabs some shears in an attempt to kill it, but cuts himself as you would expect, causing him to fall down. His wife is in the house hoovering, blissfully unaware. The old man finds an axe and chops away until his wife finally hears his cries. The old man severs his own hand, but then out of nowhere a fire starts and the greenhouse fucking explodes. What. A. Scene.
- Smooth Guy and Wicked Bitch again. The wife informs him the old couple (who they know by name apparently) are dead. The guy is upset, and says in the most wooden delivery ever "They were nice people, I liked them a lot!", some real emotion there. They spot a trail of slime, and we see some massive slugs now. One of them bites the guy on the finger, so he puts it into a jar. The guy wants to take it to a lab.
- The lettuce girl is asleep now. Someone arrives in their car and honks the horn, waking her up. She chops the lettuce which has a slug inside...then her boyfriend/husband turns up. They trade the most awkward sex chatter ever and then apparently get it on.
- Smooth Guy and Wicked Bitch at the school's lab now. An English scientist called John is just hanging around, and he examines the slug. He says their mucus is like a "slimy carpet" that they travel on, and says the slug has three or four rows of teeth to grind up its food - mainly greens. The smooth guy asks if they ever eat meat, and the doctor says some species of slug do eat tiny worms and insects. The couple then leave the scientist alone. NEXT SCENE!
- Lettuce girl and her fella are still lounging about, he briefly feels a cramp but it passes within about 3 seconds. The girl admits she is a drunken whore but wants to do something about it. The guy suffers another cramp and has a strange taste in his mouth. These two are also shockingly bad at acting.
- Now a scene with the schoolkids again. One of them goes to visit his girlfriend at home and they start making out. He notices they have a lot of liquor and starts to drink it. She says if her old man found out he would "probably have a cow", really dating this film there. They start to have sex on the bar...NEXT SCENE!
- The English scientist is still in the lab. He places a slug into a petri dish and examines it. What the fuck else has he been doing the whole time? We see he has a pet hamster in a cage. One slug crawls into the hamster cage and kills it. The scientist is mildly shaken up.
- Back to the teenage couple, who are full on shagging now. There are slugs all over the toilet and floor, but of course they are blissfully unaware. He starts drinking more whiskey to "recharge his batteries", but a slug bites him on the foot. She then stands on them and is soon devoured. She gets her eyeballs eaten out as the naked dude tries to escape through a window, but it is a futile attempt and he too is killed.
- The guy with the cramps from earlier is still in a bad way. He drinks a glass of water. That's it, NEXT SCENE!
- Smooth Guy arrives at the house where the teen couple were killed, and the sheriff is already there. Smooth Guy has a theory that they are dealing with a mutant form of slug that eats meat. The sheriff is incredulous and says "What's next, rampaging crickets or deadly mosquitos?", both of which I have no doubt have since become actual films. Smooth Guy goes back to his office, and he lambasts his secretary for some reason. Smooth Guy calls the sanitation dude, and apparently half eaten rats, chickens, cats and dogs have been found in the sewers.
- The guy with the cramps is back, and has apparently recovered. He has an important meeting to go to. NEXT SCENE!
- Sanitation dude shows the smooth guy a map, and says there is something down there killing people. He has discovered that in the 50s, the town was a toxic waste dump. NEXT SCENE!
- We are in a fancy restaurant now, cramp guy is having his meeting. He is now really struggling, and excuses himself from the table. His nose starts bleeding, but he wipes off the blood and resumes the meeting. The people he is meeting with agree to work with him on whatever the fuck he is doing, and as he drinks a tumbler of whiskey (the drink of choice in this town clearly) slugs fall out of his mouth. He starts bleeding again and his eyeball bursts as slugs eat his face.
- Sanitation dude and the smooth guy say poisonous gases may have escaped from the toxic wastage. The Smooth Guy gets a call from his secretary. He is summoned to the fancy restaurant where the cramp guy is also being stretchered out. The restaurant owner and the chef deny having worms, which the sheriff accuses them of.
- Back at the lab, smooth guy and sanitation guy are there, and they are examining parasites that are found in the bloodstream of slugs - the parasites came from cramp guy's head apparently. The scientist says the slime is an irritant which can kill, and the parasites are lethal to humans. He then reveals that slugs are hermaphrodites and can fertilise their own eggs. Vast wealth of knowledge about slugs this dude has, he must have been waiting for this slug killing spree for decades.
- We now see a barn full of slugs and some dead bodies spurting out what appears to be burger sauce. Smooth Guy is back in his office, his wife calls him and demands he come home. He does so. They have a slug infestation in their kitchen. He calls the sheriff but the deputy answers, and says there is another dead body at the farm. The Smooth Guy pretty much flubs his line here, but the director saw enough sense to keep it in.
- Smooth Guy bursts into the office of a guy who I think is the police chief but I'm unsure. Smooth Guy demands he cut off the water supply, because it has been contaminated by mutant slugs. The chief guy is the worst actor yet, geez he is bad. The Smooth Guy says he will take responsibility but the chief shoots him down. Not literally. The chief eats a burger and says "Mutated slugs...crazy asshole!". We see that slugs are crawling out of his toilet, which is in his office for some reason. NEXT SCENE!
- The two people that were meeting with cramp guy are talking to the mayor now for some reason. This scene has some particularly bad dubbing. Smooth Guy again just lets himself into the office, and he has a powwow with the mayor in the corner. He demands again that the water system be cut off and babbles on about slugs. The mayor doesn't take it seriously, as the two people from the meeting now talk to Smooth Guy. The mayor calls him "nuts", the people from the meeting also ridicule the slug theory even though they saw a guy killed by them first hand. The mayor turns on a tap and water comes out, so they disprove the theory. They sign some papers and Smooth Guy leaves in anger.
- The police chief is found, by his own secretary, dead on his toilet surrounded by slugs. Back at the lab, the scientist sprays a slug with a "lithium-based arsenic", which is combustible when it comes into contact with moisture. This could kill the slugs. They reckon they should use it to wipe out the nest of slugs down in the sewers. They agree to meet at the sanitation department later.
- Some kids are playing American football in their front garden with their dad, who is the sanitation guy. Smooth Guy shows up and the kids fuck off to that Halloween party, while the two guys hang out. The smooth guy says he is going into the sewers with a chemical that will make the slugs explode. Sanitation guy dismisses this at first, until a rousing speech convinces him otherwise. The sanitation guy tells his wife he is going out for a while to kill some man-eating slugs. The wife takes this revelation insanely well. The guy says "how about when I come back we get naked and crazy!". He now takes the crown as the smoothest guy in the film.
- The Health Inspector Formerly Known As Smooth Guy (THIFKASG) is back at home, looking for Wicked Bitch, but instead discovers slugs crawling all over the basement. The wife is alive though, and he tells her to go to her mother's while he takes care of the slug problem.
- Smooth Sanitation Guy and the English scientist prepare themselves for the showdown. Meanwhile at the Halloween party, the same girl from earlier talks about the killer that eats people. NEXT SCENE!
- They all meet at the sanitation department. THIFKASG has a plan to use bait to lure all the slugs to one place. They all drive away.
- HALLOWEEN PARTY! One girl arrives, complains about being there and then leaves instantly.
- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They are still in their vehicles.
- HALLOWEEN PARTY! A couple starts making out near the woods. The guy tries to get into her pantes, literally, but she protests so he gets all pissed off. Another kid puts a Halloween mask on in order for some wackiness, but before that...
- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They go over their plan one more time.
- HALLOWEEN PARTY! - The kid in the mask pretty much tries to rape that girl from earlier, she runs away from him. She jumps down into a sewer but has left a shoe behind. We hear her screaming so we assume she is being killed by slugs, but the camera just pans in on this shoe as if its dramatic.
- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They walk through the sewer very slowly, but find the entrance is closed. They have to go a long way around for an alternative way in. Of course.
- HALLOWEEN PARTY! Another kid looks for the girl that jumped in the sewer. We see the girl's corpse being dragged away by slugs. Rough night for that bird.
- SLUG KILLING TRIO! They continue on and come across a shitload of slugs. He lights a blowtorch and uses it to burn down a wire, which falls into the water and electrocutes the slugs, shown in a horrible effect. They keep going but seem to be lost, despite having a map. The English science guy is above ground, he has arranged to meet them at a certain part of the sewer. They can't use the blowtorch now because of the methane in the air.
- The English scientist arrives at the meeting point. The guys see a load of slugs ahead of them in the sewer and try to run through them. The English scientist grabs a pickaxe and tries to open the manhole cover. The English guy stupidly left his radio in the truck, so he can't contact them. The two guys throw a huge bag full of meat at the slugs to try and distract them, but are basically surrounded on all sides.
- Meanwhile the scientist still struggles to open the manhole, then the sheriff shows up. One of the guys down below falls into the water where the slugs are and starts being eaten. The other dude shimmies along an overhanging pole but couldn't save his buddy, who is utterly mauled. THIFKASG manages to escape the sewer as the cover is finally open, and they throw the lithium thingy down into it, causing a whole bunch of explosions to occur all over town. Clearly where all the budget went.
- The sheriff says he is sorry, but THIFKASG doesn't accept this. The English scientist says they couldn't have done it without the Smooth Sanitation Guy, as a cadre of police arrive. Wicked Bitch also appears and tenderly embraces her husband. All seems well, but one slug seemed to survive the blast, clearly setting up for Slugs 2.
Fuck me, this was awful.
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