So, another season of the Apprentice is over. Lord Alan Sugar has taken another poor Padawan under his wing, and no doubt their working relationship will be over within a year, because the BBC commissioned another season. Then Sugar will deny all knowledge of ever having gone into business with the previous year's winner, claiming they are all a figment of our imaginations, and that really he was just sitting in a boardroom talking to himself for 12 weeks because he finds it comforting. Soon enough we'll just see him in a rocking chair, drinking Dandelion & Burdock wearing Dexy's Midnight Runner-esque dungarees, screaming at the wall opposite him that they don't respond well to criticism and that their business model is a bloody shambles.
I never watch the Apprentice normally. The papers made a big furore over this season claiming that they only roped in this batch of candidates because they were all young and good looking. Now I admit I'm not a particularly attractive man, but then again my genetics dictated that I would be burdened with a massive cranium and fuck all hairline from a very tender age. Nobody would ever look at me and think "that is one hot piece", and if they did I would question their sanity, but not to their face because I might be onto a winner. Anyway, having now seen this crop of "young, attractive" people, I have to somewhat disagree with the tabloid press on this matter.
Leah, the young lady who won the series (its not a spolier, its already aired), basically looks like a dead-eyed puppet. Very intelligent woman, will no doubt succeed in the business world and good on her, but she looks like Kermit and Barbie's lab-created offspring. Whereas Luisa, the runner-up (its not a spoiler, its already aired) is fundamentally pretty, but has a constant look of bewilderment on her face, like she's about to get hit by a slow moving vehicle but isn't sure what action to take. Then there's the Welsh bloke who's name I forget, who had inexplicable eyebrows which seemed to take up three quarters of his face. Another girl with a name I can't spell looked a bit like a spray tanned Pumbaa, and the nervous posh guy looked like he'd recently been imprisoned for rampant buggery. Again, I am hardly one to be judging people based on looks, seeing as I look like Iain Dowie crossed with a ginger martian, but when I'm promised attractive and it doesn't deliver, it gets my goat.
Then there's Karen Brady and Nick Hewer, who are kind of like the Be-Bop and Rocksteady to Sugar's Shredder. That's my comparison, I'm sticking to it. Anyway their main purpose on the show appears to be solely to react disapprovingly to anything anybody says at any time, always straight to the camera, and then at the end they offer one line of feedback each, usually something obvious like "It didn't go so well for you today, you failed to sell any carpet cleaner and you murdered a family of 5". Hewer is especially good at the "fart in a car" look, its patently obvious that to him all these people are the scum of the earth and if he had it his way he would have them all killed. Brady's hatred is not so blatant, but you can tell she is trying not to come across as being too nice.
Anyway, the final wasn't as compelling as I'd hoped. Leah's business was something to do with cosmetic surgery, which seems apt, and Luisa's involved selling cakes. I'd have preferred something a bit more niche, like doorknobs or orthopedic shoes, but there we go. They both had to come up with a corporate video, and then do a presentation to a bunch of 'industry experts', none of who are named but all of whom are also good at conveying underwhelment...which isn't a word but fuck it. Both of them did a decent job, as they got to boss around all the losers who were fired by Sugar. They must have felt like right bell-ends, kowtowing to someone who had shown better business nous than them. The sense of resentment must've been palpable, but of course they had to be professional and listen to Leah barking orders at them, like "Shut up now, just film me talking". Of course Brady and Hewer disapproved of everything.
They both made speeches and came across well, although Leah's was preceded by a ribbon dance, performed by another girl who had been fired earlier in the season, presumably just for Leah's sick amusement. The 'experts' gave their criticisms, but it seemed like they felt forced to be mostly positive about them - one woman looked like she was about to vomit vitriol all over the place, but held back because vomiting on TV in front of millions would make her look stupid.
Before I go on, is Sugar's receptionist hideously ugly or something? Why not just show her? It comes across like the desk is manned by one robotic arm that occasionally picks up the phone whenever Sugar wants people to come into the boardroom. Do they receive any other calls, about mis-sold PPI or young kids asking for "Mike Hunt"? Anyway, they all went into the boardroom, Sugar rambled for ages but this time resisted the urge to many any puns, like "What you just said was utter Botox" or something. I know, that was very good, thanks. He gave them backhanded compliments like "You were an unreasonable bastard when you first came here, and now you're just a bastard", and eventually he said Leah was the winner because she actually had a specific goal, or he was scared she would sing "Rainbow Connection". Either way, she got in a taxi looking all smug, and for all I know she was never seen again.
I can't wait for Sugar to go full on senile. He's 66, its bound to happen soon. Until then, there's always Bruce Forsyth. Bye!
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